雙語·心是孤獨的獵手 第二部分 1

This summer was different from any other time Mick could remember. Nothing much happened that she could describe to herself in thoughts or words—but there was a feeling of change.All the time she was excited.In the morning she couldn't wait to get out of bed and start going for the day.And at night she hated like hell to have to sleep again.

Right after breakfast she took the kids out, and except for meals they were gone most of the day. A good deal of the time they just roamed around the streets—with her pulling Ralph's wagon and Bubber following along behind.Always she was busy with thoughts and plans.Sometimes she would look up suddenly and they would be way off in some part of town she didn't even recognize.And once or twice they ran into Bill on the streets and she was so busy thinking he had to grab her by the arm to make her see him.

Early in the mornings it was a little cool and their shadows stretched out tall on the sidewalk in front of them. But in the middle of the day the sky was always blazing hot.The glare was so bright it hurt to keep your eyes open.A lot of times the plans about the things that were going to happen to her were mixed up with ice and snow.Sometimes it was like she was out in Switzerland and all the mountains were covered with snow and she was skating on cold, greenish-colored ice.Mister Singer would be skating with her.And maybe Carole Lombard or Arturo Toscanini who played on the radio.They would be skating together and then Mister Singer would fall through the ice and she would dive in without regard for peril and swim under the ice and save his life.That was one of the plans always going on in her mind.

Usually after they had walked awhile she would park Bubber and Ralph in some shady place. Bubber was a swell kid and she had trained him pretty good.If she told him not to go out of hollering distance from Ralph she wouldn't ever find him shooting marbles with kids two or three blocks away.He played by himself near the wagon, and when she left them she didn't have to worry much.She either went to the library and looked at the National Geographic or else just roamed around and thought some more.If she had any money she bought a dope or a Milky Way at Mister Brannon's.He gave kids a reduction.He sold them nickel things for three cents.

But all the time—no matter what she was doing—there was music. Sometimes she hummed to herself as she walked, and other times she listened quietly to the songs inside her.There were all kinds of music in her thoughts.Some she heard over radios, and some was in her mind already without her ever having heard it anywhere.

In the night-time, as soon as the kids were in bed, she was free. That was the most important time of all.A lot of things happened when she was by herself and it was dark.Right after supper she ran out of the house again.She couldn't tell anybody about the things she did at night, and when her Mama asked her questions she would answer with any little tale that sounded reasonable.But most of the time if anybody called her she just ran away like she hadn't heard.That went for everybody except her Dad.There was something about her Dad's voice she couldn't run away from.He was one of the biggest, tallest men in the whole town.But his voice was so quiet and kindly that people were surprised when he spoke.No matter how much of a hurry she was in, she always had to stop when her Dad called.

This summer she realized something about her Dad she had never known before. Up until then she had never thought about him as being a real separate person.A lot of times he would call her.She would go in the front room where he worked and stand by him a couple of minutes—but when she listened to him her mind was never on the things he said to her.Then one night she suddenly realized about her Dad.Nothing unusual happened that night and she didn't know what it was that made her understand.Afterward she felt older and as though she knew him as good as she could know any person.

It was a night in late August and she was in a big rush. She had to be at this house by nine o'clock, and no maybe either.Her Dad called and she went into the front room.He was sitting slumped over his workbench.For some reason it never did seem natural to see him there.Until the time of his accident last year he had been a painter and carpenter.Before daylight every morning he would leave the house in his overalls, to be gone all day.Then at night sometimes he fiddled around with clocks as an extra work.A lot of times he had tried to get a job in a jewelry store where he could sit by himself at a desk all day with a clean white shirt on and a tie.Now when he couldn't carpenter any more he had put a sign at the front of the house reading“Clocks and Watches Repaired Cheap.”But he didn't look like most jewelers—the ones downtown were quick, dark little Jew men.Her Dad was too tall for his workbench, and his big bones seemed joined together in a loose way.

Her Dad just stared at her. She could tell he didn't have any reason for calling.He only wanted real bad to talk to her.He tried to think of some way to begin.His brown eyes were too big for his long, thin face, and since he had lost every single hair the pale, bald top of his head gave him a naked look.He still looked at her without speaking and she was in a hurry.She had to be at that house by nine sharp and there was no time to waste.Her Dad saw she was in a hurry and he cleared his throat.

“I got something for you，”he said.“Nothing much, but maybe you can treat yourself with it.”

He didn't have to give her any nickel or dime just because he was lonesome and wanted to talk. Out of what he made he only kept enough to have beer about twice a week.Two bottles were on the floor by his chair now, one empty and one just opened.And whenever he drank beer he liked to talk to somebody.Her Dad fumbled with his belt and she looked away.This summer he had gotten like a kid about hiding those nickels and dimes he kept for himself.Sometimes he hid them in his shoes, and other times in a little slit he had cut in his belt.She only half-way wanted to take the dime, but when he held it out her hand was just naturally open and ready.

“I got so much work to do I don't know where to begin，”he said.

That was just the opposite to the truth, and he knew it good as she did. He never had many watches to fix, and when he finished he would fool around the house doing any little job that was needed.Then at night he sat at his bench, cleaning old springs and wheels and trying to make the work last out until bedtime.Ever since he broke his hip and couldn't work steady he had to be doing something every minute.

“I been thinking a lot tonight，”her Dad said. He poured out his beer and sprinkled a few grains of salt on the back of his hand.Then he licked up the salt and took a swallow out of the glass.

She was in such a hurry that it was hard to stand still. Her Dad noticed this.He tried to say something—but he had not called to tell her anything special.He only wanted to talk with her for a little while.He started to speak and swallowed.They just looked at each other.The quietness grew out longer and neither of them could say a word.

That was when she realized about her Dad. It wasn't like she was learning a new fact—she had understood it all along in every way except with her brain.Now she just suddenly knew that she knew about her Dad.He was lonesome and he was an old man.Because none of the kids went to him for anything and because he didn't earn much money he felt like he was cut off from the family.And in his lonesomeness he wanted to be close to one of his kids—and they were all so busy that they didn't know it.He felt like he wasn't much real use to anybody.

She understood this while they were looking at each other. It gave her a queer feeling.Her Dad picked up a watch spring and cleaned it with a brush dipped in gasoline.

“I know you're in a hurry. I just hollered to say hello.”

“No, I'm not in any rush，”she said.“Honest.”

That night she sat down in a chair by his bench and they talked awhile. He talked about accounts and expenses and how things would have been if he had just managed in a different way.He drank beer, and once the tears came to his eyes and he snuffled his nose against his shirt-sleeve.She stayed with him a good while that night.Even if she was in an awful hurry.Yet for some reason she couldn't tell him about the things in her mind—about the hot, dark nights.

These nights were secret, and of the whole summer they were the most important time. In the dark she walked by herself and it was like she was the only person in the town.Almost every street came to be as plain to her in the night-time as her own home block.Some kids were afraid to walk through strange places in the dark, but she wasn't.Girls were scared a man would come out from somewhere and put his teapot in them like they was married.Most girls were nuts.If a person the size of Joe Louis or Mountain Man Dean would jump out at her and want to fight she would run.But if it was somebody within twenty pounds her weight she would give him a good sock and go right on.

The nights were wonderful, and she didn't have time to think about such things as being scared. Whenever she was in the dark she thought about music.While she walked along the streets she would sing to herself.And she felt like the whole town listened without knowing it was Mick Kelly.

She learned a lot about music during these free nights in the summer-time. When she walked out in the rich parts of town every house had a radio.All the windows were open and she could hear the music very marvelous.After a while she knew which houses tuned in for the programs she wanted to hear.There was one special house that got all the good orchestras.And at night she would go to this house and sneak into the dark yard to listen.There was beautiful shrubbery around this house, and she would sit under a bush near the window.And after it was all over she would stand in the dark yard with her hands in her pockets and think for a long time.That was the realest part of all the summer—her listening to this music on the radio and studying about it.

“Cerra fa puerta, se?or，”Mick said.

Bubber was sharp as a briar.“Hagame usted el favor, se?orita，”he answered as a comeback.

It was grand to take Spanish at Vocational. There was something about speaking in a foreign language that made her feel like she'd been around a lot.Every afternoon since school had started she had fun speaking the new Spanish words and sentences.At first Bubber was stumped, and it was funny to watch his face while she talked the foreign language.Then he caught on in a hurry, and before long he could copy everything she said.He remembered the words he learned, too.Of course he didn't know what all the sentences meant, but she didn't say them for the sense they made, anyway.After a while the kid learned so fast she gave out of Spanish and just gabbled along with made-up sounds.But it wasn't long before he caught her out at that—nobody could put a thing over on old Bubber Kelly.

“I'm going to pretend like I'm walking into this house for the first time，”Mick said.“Then I can tell better if all the decoration looks good or not.”

She walked out on the front porch and then came back and stood in the hall. All day she and Bubber and Portia and her Dad had been fixing the hall and the dining-room for the party.The decoration was autumn leaves and vines and red crêpe paper.On the mantelpiece in the dining-room and sticking up behind the hatrack there were bright yellow leaves.They had trailed vines along the walls and on the table where the punch bowl would be.The red crêpe paper hung down in long fringes from the mantel and also was looped around the backs of the chairs.There was plenty decoration.It was O.K.

She rubbed her hand on her forehead and squinted her eyes. Bubber stood beside her and copied every move she made.“I sure do want this party to turn out all right.I sure do.”

This would be the first party she had ever given. She had never even been to more than four or five.Last summer she had gone to a prom party.But none of the boys asked her to prom or dance, so she just stood by the punch bowl until all the refreshments were gone and then went home.This party was not going to be a bit like that one.In a few hours now the people she had invited would start coming and the to-do would begin.

It was hard to remember just how she got the idea of this party. The notion came to her soon after she started at Vocational.High School was swell.Everything about it was different from Grammar School.She wouldn't have liked it so much if she had had to take a stenographic course like Hazel and Etta had done—but she got special permission and took mechanical shop like a boy.Shop and Algebra and Spanish were grand.English was mighty hard.Her English teacher was Miss Minner.Everybody said Miss Minner had sold her brains to a famous doctor for ten thousand dollars, so that after she was dead he could cut them up and see why she was so smart.On written lessons she cracked such questions as“Name eight famous contemporaries of Doctor Johnson，”and“Quote ten lines from‘The Vicar of Wakefield.'”She called on people by the alphabet and kept her grade book open during the lessons.And even if she was brainy she was an old sourpuss.The Spanish teacher had traveled once in Europe.She said that in France the people carried home loaves of bread without having them wrapped up.They would stand talking on the streets and hit the bread on a lamp post.And there wasn't any water in France only wine.

In nearly all ways Vocational was wonderful. They walked back and forth in the hall between classes, and at lunch period students hung around the gym.Here was the thing that soon began to bother her.In the halls the people would walk up and down together and everybody seemed to belong to some special bunch.Within a week or two she knew people in the halls and in classes to speak to them—but that was all.She wasn't a member of any bunch.In Grammar School she would have just gone up to any crowd she wanted to belong with and that would have been the end of the matter.Here it was different.

During the first week she walked up and down the halls by herself and thought about this. She planned about being with some bunch almost as much as she thought of music.Those two ideas were in her head all the time.And finally she got the idea of the party.

She was strict with the invitations. No Grammar School kids and nobody under twelve years old.She just asked people between thirteen and fifteen.She knew everybody she invited good enough to speak to them in the halls—and when she didn't know their names she asked to find out.She called up those who had a telephone, and the rest she invited at school.

On the telephone she always said the same thing. She let Bubber stick in his ear to listen.“This is Mick Kelly，”she said.If they didn't understand the name she kept on until they got it.“I'm having a prom party at eight o'clock Saturday night and I'm inviting you now.I live at　103　Fourth Street, Apartment A.”That Apartment A sounded swell on the telephone.Nearly everybody said they would be delighted.A couple of tough boys tried to be smarty and kept on asking her name over and over.One of them tried to act cute and said，“I don't know you.”She squelched him in a hurry：“You go eat grass！”O(jiān)utside of that wise guy there were ten boys and ten girls and she knew that they were all coming.This was a real party, and it would be better and different from any party she had ever gone to or heard about before.

Mick looked over the hall and dining-room one last time. By the hatrack she stopped before the picture of Old Dirty-Face.This was a photo of her Mama's grandfather.He was a major way back in the Civil War and had been killed in a battle.Some kids once drew eyeglasses and a beard on his picture, and when the pencil marks were erased it left his face all dirty.That was why she called him Old Dirty-Face.The picture was in the middle of a three-part frame.On both sides were pictures of his sons.They looked about Bubber's age.They had on uniforms and their faces were surprised.They had been killed in battle also.A long time ago.

“I'm going to take this down for the party. I think it looks common.Don't you?”

“I don't know，”Bubber said.“Are we common, Mick?”

“I'm not.”

She put the picture underneath the hatrack. The decoration was O.K.Mister Singer would be pleased when he came home.The rooms seemed very empty and quiet.The table was set for supper.And then after supper it would be time for the party.She went into the kitchen to see about the refreshments.

“You think everything will be all right?”she asked Portia.

Portia was making biscuits. The refreshments were on top of the stove.There were peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chocolate snaps and punch.The sandwiches were covered with a damp dishcloth.She peeped at them but didn't take one.

“I done told you forty times that everything going to be all right，”Portia said.“Just soon as I come back from fixing supper at home I going to put on that white apron and serve the food real nice. Then I going to push off from here by nine-thirty.This here is Saturday night and Highboy and Willie and me haves our plans, too.”

“Sure，”Mick said.“I just want you to help out till things sort of get started—you know.”

She gave in and took one of the sandwiches. Then she made Bubber stay with Portia and went into the middle room.The dress she would wear was laying out on the bed.Hazel and Etta had both been good about lending her their best clothes—considering that they weren't supposed to come to the party.There was Etta's long blue crêpe de chine evening dress and some white pumps and a rhinestone tiara for her hair.These clothes were really gorgeous.It was hard to imagine how she would look in them.

The late afternoon had come and the sun made long, yellow slants through the window. If she took two hours over dressing for the party it was time to begin now.When she thought about putting on the fine clothes she couldn't just sit around and wait.Very slowly she went into the bathroom and shucked off her old shorts and shirt and turned on the water.She scrubbed the rough parts of her heels and her knees and especially her elbows.She made the bath take a long time.

She ran naked into the middle room and began to dress. Silk teddies she put on, and silk stockings.She even wore one of Etta's brassières just for the heck of it.Then very carefully she put on the dress and stepped into the pumps.This was the first time she had ever worn an evening dress.She stood for a long time before the mirror.She was so tall that the dress came up two or three inches above her ankles—and the shoes were so short they hurt her.She stood in front of the mirror a long tune, and finally decided she either looked like a sap or else she looked very beautiful.One or the other.

Six different ways she tried out her hair. The cowlicks were a little trouble, so she wet her bangs and made three spit curls.Last of all she stuck the rhinestones in her hair and put on plenty of lipstick and paint.When she finished she lifted up her chin and half-closed eyes like a movie star.Slowly she turned her face from one side to the other.It was beautiful she looked—just beautiful.

She didn't feel like herself at all. She was somebody different from Mick Kelly entirely.Two hours had to pass before the party would begin, and she was ashamed for any of the family to see her dressed so far ahead of time.She went into the bathroom again and locked the door.She couldn't mess up her dress by sitting down, so she stood in the middle of the floor.The close walls around her seemed to press in all the excitement.She felt so different from the old Mick Kelly that she knew this would be better than anything else in all her whole life—this party.

“Yippee！The punch！”

“The cutest dress—”

“Say！You solve that one about the triangle forty-six by twen—”

“Lemme by！Move out my way！”

The front door slammed every second as the people swarmed into the house. Sharp voices and soft voices sounded together until there was just one roaring noise.Girls stood in bunches in their long, fine evening dresses, and the boys roamed around in clean duck pants or R.O.T.C.uniforms or new dark fall suits.There was so much commotion that Mick couldn't notice any separate face or person.She stood by the hatrack and stared around at the party as a whole.

“Everybody get a prom card and start signing up.”

At first the room was too loud for anyone to hear and pay attention. The boys were so thick around the punch bowl that the table and the vines didn't show at all.Only her Dad's face rose up above the boys'heads as he smiled and dished up the punch into the little paper cups.On the seat of the hatrack beside her were a jar of candy and two handkerchiefs.A couple of girls thought it was her birthday, and she had thanked them and unwrapped the presents without telling them she wouldn't be fourteen for eight more months.Every person was as clean and fresh and dressed up as she was.They smelled good.The boys had their hair plastered down wet and slick.The girls with their different-colored long dresses stood together, and they were like a bright hunk of flowers.The start was marvelous.The beginning of this party was O.K.

“I'm part Scotch Irish and French and—”

“I got German blood—”

She hollered about the prom cards one more time before she went into the dining-room. Soon they began to pile in from the hall.Every person took a prom card and they lined up in bunches against the walls of the room.This was the real start now.

It came all of a sudden in a very queer way—this quietness. The boys stood together on one side of the room and the girls were across from them.For some reason every person quit making noise at once.The boys held their cards and looked at the girls and the room was very still.None of the boys started asking for proms like they were supposed to do.The awful quietness got worse and she had not been to enough parties to know what she should do.Then the boys started punching each other and talking.The girls giggled—but even if they didn't look at the boys you could tell they only had their minds on whether they were going to be popular or not.The awful quietness was gone now, but there was something jittery about the room.

After a while a boy went up to a girl named Delores Brown. As soon as he had signed her up the other boys all began to rush Delores at once.When her whole card was full they started on another girl, named Mary.After that everything suddenly stopped again.One or two extra girls got a couple of proms—and because she was giving the party three boys came up to her.That was all.

The people just hung around in the dining-room and the hall. The boys mostly flocked around the punch bowl and tried to show off with each other.The girls bunched together and did a lot of laughing to pretend like they were having a good time.The boys thought about the girls and the girls thought about the boys.But all that came of it was a queer feeling in the room.

It was then she began to notice Harry Minowitz. He lived in the house next door and she had known him all her life.Although he was two years older she had grown faster than him, and in the summer-time they used to wrestle and fight out on the plot of grass by the street.Harry was a Jew boy, but he did not look so much like one.His hair was light brown and straight.Tonight he was dressed very neat, and when he came in the door he had hung a grown man's panama hat with a feather in it on the hatrack.

It wasn't his clothes that made her notice him. There was something changed about his face because he was without the horn-rimmed specs he usually wore.A red, droppy sty had come out on one of his eyes and he had to cock his head sideways like a bird in order to see.His long, thin hands kept touching around his sty as though it hurt him.When he asked for punch he stuck the paper cup right into her Dad's face.She could tell he needed his glasses very bad.He was nervous and kept bumping into people.He didn't ask any girl to prom except her—and that was because it was her party.

All the punch had been drunk. Her Dad was afraid she would be embarrassed, so he and her Mama had gone back to the kitchen to make lemonade.Some of the people were on the front porch and the sidewalk.She was glad to get out in the cool night air.After the hot, bright house she could smell the new autumn in the darkness.

Then she saw something she hadn't expected. Along the edge of the sidewalk and in the dark street there was a bunch of nighborhood kids.Pete and Sucker Wells and Baby and Spareribs—the whole gang that started at below Bubber's age and went on up to over twelve.There were even kids she didn't know at all who had somehow smelled a party and come to hang around.And there were kids her age and older that she hadn't invited either because they had done something mean to her or she had done something mean to them.They were all dirty and in plain shorts or draggle-tailed knickers or old every-day dresses.They were just hanging around in the dark to watch the party.She thought of two feelings when she saw those kids—one was sad and the other was a kind of warning.

“I got this prom with you.”Harry Minowitz made out like he was reading on his card, but she could see nothing was written on it. Her Dad had come onto the porch and blown the whistle that meant the beginning of the first prom.

“Yeah，”she said.“Let's get going.”

They started out to walk around the block. In the long dress she still felt very ritzy.“Look yonder at Mick Kelly！”one of the kids in the dark hollered.“Look at her！”She just walked on like she hadn't heard, but it was that Spareribs, and some day soon she would catch him.She and Harry walked fast along the dark sidewalk, and when they came to the end of the street they turned down another block.

“How old are you now, Mick—thirteen?”

“Going on fourteen.”

She knew what he was thinking. It used to worry her all the time.Five feet six inches tall and a hundred and three pounds, and she was only thirteen.Every kid at the party was a runt beside her, except Harry, who was only a couple of inches shorter.No boy wanted to prom with a girl so much taller than him.But maybe cigarettes would help stunt the rest of her growth.

“I grew three and a fourth inches just in last year，”she said.

“Once I saw a lady at the fair who was eight and a half feet tall. But you probably won't grow that big.”

Harry stopped beside a dark crêpe myrtle bush.Nobody was in sight.He took something out of his pocket and started fooling with whatever it was.She leaned over to see—it was his pair of specs and he was wiping them with his handkerchief.

“Pardon me，”he said. Then he put on his glasses and she could hear him breathe deep.

“You ought to wear your specs all the time.”

“Yeah.”

“How come you go around without them?”

The night was very quiet and dark. Harry held her elbows when they crossed the street.

“There's a certain young lady back at the party that thinks it's sissy for a fellow to wear glasses. This certain person—oh well, maybe I am a—”

He didn't finish. Suddenly he tightened up and ran a few steps and sprang for a leaf about four feet above his head.She just could see that high leaf in the dark.He had a good spring to his jumping and he got it the first time.Then he put the leaf in his mouth and shadow-boxed for a few punches in the dark.She caught up with him.

As usual a song was in her mind. She was humming to herself.

“What's that you're singing?”

“It's a piece by a fellow named Mozart.”

Harry felt pretty good. He was sidestepping with his feet like a fast boxer.“That sounds like a sort of German name.”

“I reckon so.”

“Fascist?”he asked.

“What?”

“I say is that Mozart a Fascist or a Nazi?”

Mick thought a minute.“No. They're new, and this fellow's been dead some time.”

“It's a good thing.”He began punching in the dark again. He wanted her to ask why.

“I say it's a good thing，”he said again.

“Why?”

“Because I hate Fascists. If I met one walking on the street I'd kill him.”

She looked at Harry. The leaves against the street light made quick, freckly shadows on his face.He was excited.

“How come?”she asked.

“Gosh！Don't you ever read the paper?You see, it's this way—”

They had come back around the block. A commotion was going on at her house.People were yelling and running on the sidewalk.A heavy sickness came in her belly.

“There's not time to explain unless we prom around the block again. I don't mind telling you why I hate Fascists.I'd like to tell about it.”

This was probably the first chance he had got to spiel these ideas out to somebody. But she didn't have time to listen.She was busy looking at what she saw in the front of her house.“O.K.I'll see you later.”The prom was over now, so she could look and put her mind on the mess she saw.

What had happened while she was gone?When she left the people were standing around in the fine clothes and it was a real party. Now—after just five minutes—the place looked more like a crazy house.While she was gone those kids had come out of the dark and right into the party itself.The nerve they had！There was old Pete Wells banging out of the front door with a cup of punch in his hand.They bellowed and ran and mixed with the invited people—in their old loose-legged knickers and everyday clothes.

Baby Wilson messed around on the front porch—and Baby wasn't more than four years old. Anybody could see she ought to be home in bed by now, same as Bubber.She walked down the steps one at a time, holding the punch high up over her head.There was no reason for her to be here at all.Mister Brannon was her uncle and she could get free candy and drinks at his place any time she wanted to.As soon as she was on the sidewalk Mick caught her by the arm.“You go right home, Baby Wilson.Go on, now.”Mick looked around to see what else she could do to straighten things out again like they ought to be.She went up to Sucker Wells.He stood farther down the sidewalk, where it was dark, holding his paper cup and looking at everybody in a dreamy way.Sucker was seven years old and he had on shorts.His chest and feet were naked.He wasn't causing any of the commotion, but she was mad as hell at what had happened.

She grabbed Sucker by the shoulders and began to shake him. At first he held his jaws tight, but after a minute his teeth began to rattle.“You go home, Sucker Wells.You quit hanging around where you're not invited.”When she let him go, Sucker tucked his tail and walked slowly down the street.But he didn't go all the way home.After he got to the corner she saw him sit down on the curb and watch the party where he thought she couldn't see him.

For a minute she felt good about shaking the spit out of Sucker. And then right afterward she had a bad worry feeling in her and she started to let him come back.The big kids were the ones who messed up everything.Real brats they were, and with the worst nerve she had ever seen.Drinking up the refreshments and ruining the real party into all this commotion.They slammed through the front door and hollered and bumped into each other.She went up to Pete Wells because he was the worst of all.He wore his football helmet and butted into people.Pete was every bit of fourteen, yet he was still stuck in the seventh grade.She went up to him, but he was too big to shake like Sucker.When she told him to go home he shimmied and made a nose dive at her.

“I been in six different states. Florida, Alabama—”

“Made out of silver cloth with a sash—”

The party was all messed up. Everybody was talking at once.The invited people from Vocational were mixed with the neighborhood gang.The boys and the girls still stood in separate bunches, though—and nobody prommed.In the house the lemonade was just about gone.There was only a little puddle of water with floating lemon peels at the bottom of the bowl.Her Dad always acted too nice with kids.He had served out the punch to anybody who stuck a cup at him.Portia was serving the sandwiches when she went into the dining-room.In five minutes they were all gone.She only got one—a jelly kind with pink sops come through the bread.

Portia stayed in the dining-room to watch the party.“I having too good a time to leave，”she said.“I done sent word to Highboy and Willie to go on with the Saturday Night without me. Everbody so excited here I going to wait and see the end of this party.”

Excitement—that was the word. She could feel it all through the room and on the porch and the sidewalk.She felt excited, too.It wasn't just her dress and the beautiful way her face looked when she passed by the hatrack mirror and saw the red paint on her cheeks and the rhinestone tiara in her hair.Maybe it was the decoration and all these Vocational people and kids being jammed together.

“Watch her run！”

“Ouch！Cut it out—”

“Act your age！”

A bunch of girls were running down the street, holding up their dresses and with the hair flying out behind them. Some boys had cut off the long, sharp spears of a Spanish bayonet bush and they were chasing the girls with them.Freshmen in Vocational all dressed up for a real prom party and acting just like kids.It was half playlike and half not playlike at all.A boy came up to her with a sticker and she started running too.

The idea of the party was over entirely now. This was just a regular playing-out.But it was the wildest night she had ever seen.The kids had caused it.They were like a catching sickness, and their coming to the party made all the other people forget about High School and being almost grown.It was like just before you take a bath in the afternoon when you might wallow around in the back yard and get plenty dirty just for the good feel of it before getting into the tub.Everybody was a wild kid playing out on Saturday night—and she felt like the very wildest of all.

She hollered and pushed and was the first to try any new stunt. She made so much noise and moved around so fast she couldn't notice what anybody else was doing.Her breath wouldn't come fast enough to let her do all the wild things she wanted to do.

“The ditch down the street！The ditch！The ditch！”

She started for it first. Down a block they had put in new pipes under the street and dug a swell deep ditch.The flambeaux around the edge were bright and red in the dark.She wouldn't wait to climb down.She ran until she reached the little wavy flames and then she jumped.

With her tennis shoes she would have landed like a cat—but the high pumps made her slip and her stomach hit this pipe. Her breath was stopped.She lay quiet with her eyes closed.

The party—For a long time she remembered how she thought it would be, how she imagined the new people at Vocational. And about the bunch she wanted to be with every day.She would feel different in the halls now, knowing that they were not something special but like any other kids.It was O.K.about the ruined party.But it was all over.It was the end.

Mick climbed out of the ditch. Some kids were playing around the little pots of flames.The fire made a red glow and there were long, quick shadows.One boy had gone home and put on a dough-face bought in advance for Halloween.Nothing was changed about the party except her.

She walked home slowly. When she passed kids she didn't speak or look at them.The decoration in the hall was torn down and the house seemed very empty because everyone had gone outside.In the bathroom she took off the blue evening dress.The hem was torn and she folded it so the raggedy place wouldn't show.The rhinestone tiara was lost somewhere.Her old shorts and shirt were lying on the floor just where she had left them.She put them on.She was too big to wear shorts any more after this.No more after this night.Not any more.

Mick stood out on the front porch. Her face was very white without the paint.She cupped her hands before her mouth and took a deep breath.“Everybody go home！The door is shut！The party is over！”

In the quiet, secret night she was by herself again. It was not late—yellow squares of light snowed in the windows of the houses along the streets.She walked slow, with her hands in her pockets and her head to one side.For a long time she walked without noticing the direction.

Then the houses were far apart from each other and there were yards with big trees in them and black shrubbery. She looked around and saw she was near this house where she had gone so many times in the summer.Her feet had just taken her here without her knowing.When she came to the house she waited to be sure no person could see.Then she went through the side yard.

The radio was on as usual. For a second she stood by the window and watched the people inside.The bald-headed man and the gray-haired lady were playing cards at a table.Mick sat on the ground.This was a very fine and secret place.Close around were thick cedars so that she was completely hidden by herself.The radio was no good tonight—somebody sang popular songs that all ended in the same way.It was like she was empty.She reached in her pockets and felt around with her fingers.There were raisins and a buckeye and a string of beads—one cigarette with matches.She lighted the cigarette and put her arms around her knees.It was like she was so empty there wasn't even a feeling or thought in her.

One programme came on after another, and all of them were punk. She didn't especially care.She smoked and picked a little bunch of grass blades.After a while a new announcer started talking.He mentioned Beethoven.She had read in the library about that musician—his name was pronounced with an a and spelled with double e.He was a German fellow like Mozart.When he was living he spoke in a foreign language and lived in a foreign place—like she wanted to do.The announcer said they were going to play his third symphony.She only half-way listened because she wanted to walk some more and she didn't care much what they played.Then the music started.Mick raised her head and her fist went up to her throat.

How did it come?For a minute the opening balanced from one side to the other. Like a walk or march.Like God strutting in the night.The outside of her was suddenly froze and only that first part of the music was hot inside her heart.She could not even hear what sounded after, but she sat there waiting and froze, with her fists tight.After a while the music came again, harder and loud.It didn't have anything to do with God.This was her, Mick Kelly, walking in the daytime and by herself at night.In the hot sun and in the dark with all the plans and feelings.This music was her—the real plain her.

She could not listen good enough to hear it all. The music boiled inside her.Which?To hang on to certain wonderful parts and think them over so that later she would not forget—or should she let go and listen to each part that came without thinking or trying to remember?Golly！The whole world was this music and she could not listen hard enough.Then at last the opening music came again, with all the different instruments bunched together for each note like a hard, tight fist that socked at her heart.And the first part was over.

This music did not take a long time or a short time. It did not have anything to do with time going by at all.She sat with her arms held tight around her legs, biting her salty knee very hard.It might have been five minutes she listened or half the night.The second part was black-colored—a slow march.Not sad, but like the whole world was dead and black and there was no use thinking back how it was before.One of those horn kind of instruments played a sad and silver tune.Then the music rose up angry and with excitement underneath.And finally the black march again.

But maybe the last part of the symphony was the music she loved the best—glad and like the greatest people in the world running and springing up in a hard, free way. Wonderful music nice this was the worst hurt there could be.The whole world was this symphony, and there was not enough of her to listen.

It was over, and she sat very stiff with her arms around her knees. Another program came on the radio and she put her fingers in her ears.The music left only this bad hurt in her, and a blankness.She could not remember any of the symphony, not even the last few notes.She tried to remember, but no sound at all came to her.Now that it was over there was only her heart like a rabbit and this terrible hurt.

The radio and the lights in the house were turned off. The night was very dark.Suddenly Mick began hitting her thigh with her fists.She pounded the same muscle with all her strength until the tears came down her face.But she could not feel this hard enough.The rocks under the bush were sharp.She grabbed a handful of them and began scraping them up and down on the same spot until her hand was bloody.Then she fell back to the ground and lay looking up at the night.With the fiery hurt in her leg she felt better.She was limp on the wet grass, and after a while her breath came slow and easy again.

Why hadn't the explorers known by looking at the sky that the world was round?The sky was curved, like the inside of a huge glass ball, very dark blue with the sprinkles of bright stars. The night was quiet.There was the smell of warm cedars.She was not trying to think of the music at all when it came back to her.The first part happened in her mind just as it had been played.She listened in a quiet, slow way and thought the notes out like a problem in geometry so she would remember.She could see the shape of the sounds very clear and she would not forget them.

Now she felt good. She whispered some words out loud：“Lord forgiveth me, for I knoweth not what I do.”Why did she think of that?Everybody in the past few years knew there wasn't any real God.When she thought of what she used to imagine was God she could only see Mister Singer with a long, white sheet around him.God was silent—maybe that was why she was reminded.She said the words again, just as she would speak them to Mister Singer：“Lord forgiveth me, for I knoweth not what I do.”

This part of the music was beautiful and clear. She could sing it now whenever she wanted to.Maybe later on, when she had just waked up some morning, more of the music would come back to her.If ever she heard the symphony again there would be other parts to add to what was already in her mind.And maybe if she could hear it four more times, just four more times, she would know it all.Maybe.

Once again she listened to this opening part of the music. Then the notes grew slower and soft and it was like she was sinking down slowly into the dark ground.

Mick awoke with a jerk. The air had turned chilly, and as she was coming up out of the sleep she dreamed old Etta Kelly was taking all the cover.“Gimme some blanket—”she tried to say.Then she opened her eyes.The sky was very black and all the stars were gone.The grass was wet.She got up in a hurry because her Dad would be worried.Then she remembered the music.She couldn't tell whether the time was midnight or three in the morning, so she started beating it for home in a rush.The air had a smell in it like autumn.The music was loud and quick in her mind, and she ran faster and faster on the sidewalks leading to the home block.