雙語·面紗 第七十七章

77

But next morning Kitty rose early and leaving a note for Dorothy to say that she was gone out on business took a tram down the hill. She made her way through the crowded streets with their motor-cars, rickshaws and chairs, and the motley throng of Europeans and Chinese, to the offices of the P. & O. Company. A ship was sailing in two days, the first ship out of the port, and she had made up her mind that at all costs she must go on it. When the clerk told her that every berth was booked she asked to see the chief agent. She sent in her name and the agent, whom she had met before, came out to fetch her into his office. He knew her circumstances and when she told him what she wished he sent for the passenger list. He looked at it with perplexity.

“I beseech you to do what you can for me,” she urged him.

“I don't think there's any one in the Colony who wouldn't do anything in the world for you, Mrs. Fane,” he answered.

He sent for a clerk and made enquiries. Then he nodded.

“I'm going to shift one or two people. I know you want to get home and I think we ought to do our best for you. I can give you a little cabin to yourself. I expect you'd prefer that.”

She thanked him. She left him with an elated heart. Flight: that was her only thought. Flight! She sent a cable to her father to announce her immediate return; she had already cabled to him to say that Walter was dead; and then went back to the Townsends' to tell Dorothy what she had done.

“We shall be dreadfully sorry to lose you,” the kind creature said, “but of course I understand that you want to be with your mother and father.”

Since her return to Hong Kong Kitty had hesitated from day to day to go to her house. She dreaded entering it again and meeting face to face the recollections with which it was peopled. But now she had no alternative. Townsend had arranged for the sale of the furniture and he had found some one eager to take on the lease, but there were all her clothes and Walter's, for they had taken next to nothing to Mei-tan-fu, and there were books, photographs, and various odds and ends. Kitty, indifferent to everything and anxious to cut herself off completely from the past, realized that it would outrage the susceptibilities of the Colony if she allowed these things to go with the rest to an auction-room. They must be packed and sent to her. So after tiffin she prepared to go to the house. Dorothy, eager to give her help, offered to accompany her, but Kitty begged to be allowed to go alone. She agreed that two of Dorothy's boys should come and assist in the packing.

The house had been left in charge of the head boy and he opened the door for Kitty. It was curious to go into her own house as though she were a stranger. It was neat and clean. Everything was in its place, ready for her use, but although the day was warm and sunny there was about the silent rooms a chill and desolate air. The furniture was stiffly arranged, exactly where it should be, and the vases which should have held flowers were in their places; the book which Kitty had laid face downwards she did not remember when still lay face downwards. It was as though the house had been left empty but a minute before and yet that minute was fraught with eternity so that you could not imagine that ever again that house would echo with talk and resound with laughter. On the piano the open music of a foxtrot seemed to wait to be played, but you had a feeling that if you struck the keys no sound would come. Walter's room was as tidy as when he was there. On the chest of drawers were two large photographs of Kitty, one in her presentation dress and one in her wedding gown.

But the boys fetched up the trunks from the box-room and she stood over them watching them pack. They packed neatly and quickly. Kitty reflected that in the two days she had it would be easy to get everything done. She must not let herself think; she had no time for that. Suddenly she heard a step behind her and turning round saw Charles Townsend. She felt a sudden chill at her heart.

“What do you want?” she said.

“Will you come into your sitting-room? I have something to say to you.”

“I'm very busy.”

“I shall only keep you five minutes.”

She said no more, but with a word to the boys to go on with what they were doing, preceded Charles into the next room. She did not sit down, in order to show him that she expected him not to detain her. She knew that she was very pale and her heart was beating fast, but she faced him coolly, with hostile eyes.

“What is it you want?”

“I've just heard from Dorothy that you're going the day after tomorrow. She told me that you'd come here to do your packing and she asked me to ring up and find out if there was anything I could do for you.”

“I'm grateful to you, but I can manage quite well by myself.”

“So I imagined. I didn't come here to ask you that. I came to ask if your sudden departure is due to what happened yesterday.”

“You and Dorothy have been very good to me. I didn't wish you to think I was taking advantage of your good nature.”

“That's not a very straight answer.”

“What does it matter to you?”

“It matters a great deal. I shouldn't like to think that anything I'd done had driven you away.”

She was standing at the table. She looked down. Her eyes fell on the Sketch. It was months old now. It was that paper which Walter had stared at all through the terrible evening when--and Walter now was… She raised her eyes.

“I feel absolutely degraded. You can't possibly despise me as much as I despise myself.”

“But I don't despise you. I meant every word that I said yesterday. What's the good of running away like this? I don't know why we can't be good friends. I hate the idea of your thinking I've treated you badly.”

“Why couldn't you leave me alone?”

“Hang it all, I'm not a stick or a stone. It's so unreasonable, the way you look at it; it's so morbid. I thought after yesterday you'd feel a little more kindly to me. After all, we're only human.”

“I don't feel human. I feel like an animal. A pig or a rabbit or a dog. Oh, I don't blame you, I was just as bad. I yielded to you because I wanted you. But it wasn't the real me. I'm not that hateful, beastly, lustful woman. I disown her. It wasn't me that lay on that bed panting for you when my husband was hardly cold in his grave and your wife had been so kind to me, so indescribably kind. It was only the animal in me, dark and fearful like an evil spirit, and I disown, and hate, and despise it. And ever since, when I've thought of it, my gorge rises and I feel that I must vomit.”

He frowned a little and gave a short, uneasy snigger.

“Well, I'm fairly broadminded, but sometimes you say things that positively shock me.”

“I should be sorry to do that. You'd better go now. You're a very unimportant little man and I'm silly to talk to you seriously.”

He did not answer for a while and she saw by the shadow in his blue eyes that he was angry with her. He would heave a sigh of relief when, tactful and courteous as ever, he had finally seen her off. It amused her to think of the politeness with which, while they shook hands and he wished her a pleasant journey, she would thank him for his hospitality. But she saw his expression change.

“Dorothy tells me you're going to have a baby,” he said.

She felt herself color, but she allowed no gesture to escape her.

“I am.”

“Am I by any chance the father?”

“No, no. It's Walter's child.”

She spoke with an emphasis which she could not prevent, but even as she spoke she knew that it was not the tone with which to carry conviction.

“Are you sure?” He was now roguishly smiling. “After all, you were married to Walter a couple of years and nothing happened. The dates seem to fit all right. I think it's much more likely to be mine than Walter's.”

“I would rather kill myself than have a child of yours.”

“Oh, come now, that's nonsense. I should be awfully pleased and proud. I'd like it to be a girl, you know. I've only had boys with Dorothy. You won't be able to be in doubt very long, you know: my three kiddies are absolutely the living image of me.”

He had regained his good humor and she knew why. If the child was his, though she might never see him again, she could never entirely escape him. His power over her would reach out and he would still, obscurely but definitely, influence every day of her life.

“You really are the most vain and fatuous ass that it's ever been my bad luck to run across,” she said.

第七十七章

第二天早上，凱蒂早早地就起床了，給多蘿西留了張字條，告訴她自己出去辦點(diǎn)兒事，坐有軌電車下山了。街道上汽車、黃包車和轎椅擁擠不堪，她穿過熙熙攘攘的街道、混雜著白人和華人的人流，來到了半島東方輪船公司的辦事處前。一艘輪船已經(jīng)離開了港口，而另一艘輪船將在兩天后啟程。她已經(jīng)下定決心不惜一切代價(jià)要坐上這趟船。職員告訴她船艙的每一個(gè)鋪位都已經(jīng)預(yù)訂出去了，她要求見一下負(fù)責(zé)人。她讓職員把她的名字轉(zhuǎn)告了這位負(fù)責(zé)人，這位負(fù)責(zé)人她以前見過，親自出來把她迎進(jìn)了辦公室。他知道她的情況，所以當(dāng)她告訴他希望能乘下一趟輪船離開的時(shí)候，他剛開始覺得有點(diǎn)兒為難。

“我請(qǐng)求您盡量幫幫我?！彼蛩麖?qiáng)烈要求道。

“我想在殖民地沒人會(huì)不愿意為您效勞的，費(fèi)恩太太。”他回答道。

他派了一個(gè)職員去詢問了一圈，然后點(diǎn)頭道：

“我打算把一兩個(gè)人的輪船班次調(diào)整一下，我明白您想回家的心情，我想我們應(yīng)該盡最大努力來幫助您。我能給您安排一個(gè)獨(dú)間的小船艙，希望您能滿意。”

她謝了他，興高采烈地離開了。遠(yuǎn)走高飛，這是她唯一的念頭。馬上離開！她拍了一封電報(bào)給她父親，通知了她的歸期。她已經(jīng)給他拍過一封電報(bào)告訴他沃爾特去世了。隨后，她回到了查理的家，告訴了多蘿西她所做的事。

“我們特別遺憾你要走了。”善良的多蘿西說道，“但是，我能夠理解你想和父母待在一起的心情?！?/p>

自從凱蒂回到香港以后，她每天都在猶豫要不要回自己家看看。她害怕再次踏進(jìn)家門，害怕回憶起過去那些她住在這里時(shí)的場(chǎng)景。可是現(xiàn)在她已經(jīng)別無選擇了，查理已經(jīng)安排出售家具了，也已經(jīng)找到一個(gè)急于續(xù)租的人。但是屋里還都是她和沃爾特的衣服，因?yàn)槿ヤ靥陡臅r(shí)候，他們幾乎沒拿什么衣服。還有書、照片和其他零碎的東西。凱蒂對(duì)每件東西都無所謂了，只是急于把自己完全和過去的一切切斷聯(lián)系，但她認(rèn)識(shí)到如果把這些私人的東西和其他物品都交到拍賣行里去拍賣，她怕會(huì)傷害殖民地上層人們脆弱的感情。所以，這些東西需要打包，然后運(yùn)回給她。中午飯后，她準(zhǔn)備去趟自己的家。多蘿西熱切地想幫她，主動(dòng)要求陪她去，但凱蒂請(qǐng)求讓她自己獨(dú)自一個(gè)人去，她同意多蘿西派她的兩個(gè)男仆過來幫忙打包。

這棟房子留給了一個(gè)管家?guī)兔φ湛?，他為凱蒂打開了門。她走進(jìn)自己的房子，但好像一切都很陌生，這真有些奇怪。房間依舊整潔和干凈，每件東西都擺在原來的位置，時(shí)刻準(zhǔn)備供主人使用，雖然天很暖和而且陽光燦爛，但這間靜悄悄的屋子里卻有種陰冷和荒涼的氣息。家具和原來一樣呆板地?cái)[放在原處，插著鮮花的花瓶也還在原來的位置，凱蒂倒扣著的書——她都忘記了——依然臉朝下倒扣著。好像這棟房子剛剛在一分鐘前被騰空，但時(shí)間也就在那一刻定格了，你無法相信這棟房屋中曾經(jīng)回蕩著談話聲和笑聲。鋼琴上攤開的狐步舞曲的樂譜似乎等待著有人來彈，但是你可能有一種感覺，如果你敲擊了琴鍵，卻發(fā)現(xiàn)沒有聲音發(fā)出來。沃爾特的房間如同他生前一樣整潔，一個(gè)櫥柜上放著凱蒂的兩張大照片，一張是她穿著禮服照的，一張是她的婚紗照。

男仆們從儲(chǔ)藏室拿出了箱子，她站在那兒看著他們捆扎打包，他們打包打得整齊利索，凱蒂考慮了兩天，她能很輕易地把一切東西都搞定，她不許自己胡思亂想，她沒那個(gè)工夫。突然，她聽到身后有腳步聲，轉(zhuǎn)過身去看到了查理。她心里一涼。

“你想干什么？”她問道。

“你能到客廳來一下嗎？我有話要跟你說?！?/p>

“我很忙?！?/p>

“我只占用你五分鐘的時(shí)間?！?/p>

她不再說什么了，只是告訴男仆們繼續(xù)干手里的活，然后跟著查理走進(jìn)了隔壁的房間。她沒有坐下，為了讓他明白別耽誤她太久。她知道自己臉色蒼白，心怦怦跳著，但還是冷冷地看著他，目光中充滿敵意。

“你想干什么？”

“我剛從多蘿西那兒聽說你后天就要走了，她告訴我你來這兒打包行李，她讓我打個(gè)電話問問，是否需要我?guī)兔??！?/p>

“十分感謝，但我自己完全能應(yīng)付得來。”

“我猜也是，我過來不是問你這個(gè)的，我過來是想問問你突然決定離開是不是因?yàn)樽蛱彀l(fā)生的事?！?/p>

“你和多蘿西對(duì)我都很好，我不希望你認(rèn)為我是在利用你們的好心，故意賴著不走。”

“你還沒有明確回答我的問題。”

“你覺得那對(duì)你重要嗎？”

“重要得不得了，我不想是我做了什么事把你逼走的?！?/p>

她站在桌子邊，低下了頭，她的目光落到了《摘要報(bào)》上，那是幾個(gè)月前的舊報(bào)紙了，就是這份報(bào)紙，沃爾特在那個(gè)可怕的傍晚，一直盯著它——而現(xiàn)在沃爾特已經(jīng)……她抬起了眼睛。

“我覺得自己絕對(duì)是墮落了。你鄙視我可能還不如我鄙視自己更甚?！?/p>

“但是我并不鄙視你。我昨天說的每個(gè)字都是真心的。你何必像這樣匆匆跑掉？我不知道為什么我們不能成為好朋友，我討厭你這樣看我，認(rèn)為我對(duì)你不好?！?/p>

“為什么你不能讓我一個(gè)人靜靜？”

“真見鬼，我不是一塊木頭或者石頭，你對(duì)我的看法是沒有道理的，是病態(tài)的。我以為經(jīng)過昨天的事以后你會(huì)對(duì)我更親近些，畢竟，我們都是人呢?！?/p>

“我不覺得自己是個(gè)人，我覺得自己像個(gè)動(dòng)物，一頭豬、一只兔子或者一條狗。哦，我不能責(zé)備你，我也一樣壞。我屈服于你是因?yàn)槲蚁胍?。但那不是真正的我，我不是那個(gè)可恨的、獸性的、放蕩的女人。我要和這樣的女人脫離關(guān)系，那不是我——我的丈夫尸骨未寒，而你的妻子又一直對(duì)我那么好，別提有多好了——躺在床上為你喘息的人絕對(duì)不是我，她是附在我身上的動(dòng)物，黑暗、可怕得就像惡魔一樣，我否認(rèn)、厭惡和鄙視她，從那時(shí)起，每當(dāng)我想起她，我就會(huì)惡心得想吐?！?/p>

他皺了一下眉，發(fā)出一聲短促、不安的笑聲。

“好吧，我是個(gè)心胸十分開闊的人，但是有時(shí)你說的話，真的讓我很震驚?！?/p>

“我很抱歉這么說。你最好現(xiàn)在就走吧，你是個(gè)無關(guān)緊要的小人，我這么認(rèn)真地跟你講話真是太傻了?！?/p>

他一時(shí)找不出什么話來回答，她看到他的藍(lán)眼睛里掠過一絲陰影，他對(duì)她很生氣。他最終還是會(huì)去送她，到時(shí)會(huì)費(fèi)力地發(fā)出一聲如釋重負(fù)的嘆息，就同以往一樣機(jī)智老練，而又彬彬有禮。她一想到他會(huì)出于禮貌跟她握手，并祝她旅途愉快，就想笑，她會(huì)致謝他的熱情好客。但是這時(shí)她看到他臉上的神色變了。

“多蘿西告訴我你懷孕了。”他說道。

她覺得自己的臉色也變了，但是幸好還是保持了鎮(zhèn)定。

“是的?！?/p>

“萬一我是孩子的父親呢？”

“不，不，是沃爾特的孩子。”

她忍不住特意做了強(qiáng)調(diào)，但是，話說出口后連她自己都覺得欲蓋彌彰。

“你肯定嗎？”他現(xiàn)在帶著一臉無賴般的笑意，“畢竟，你嫁給沃爾特那么多年了，但什么事也沒有發(fā)生，這日子似乎和我們?cè)谝黄鸬娜兆诱龑?duì)得上，我認(rèn)為是我骨肉的可能性比是沃爾特的更大?！?/p>

“我寧愿殺了我自己也不愿懷上你的孩子?！?/p>

“哦，算了吧，你這是胡說，我會(huì)十分開心和自豪的，我愿意是個(gè)女孩，你知道，我和多蘿西只有男孩。謎底很快就會(huì)揭開的，你瞧，我的三個(gè)孩子和我簡(jiǎn)直是一個(gè)模子里刻出來的?！?/p>

他又找回了幽默風(fēng)趣，她也知道他話里的意思。如果孩子是他的，雖然她再也不想見他了，但她從此再也無法逃避他。他的魔爪始終能夠著她，他的淫威雖然看不見，摸不著，但絕對(duì)會(huì)影響她生活的每一天。

“你是一頭最貪慕虛榮的蠢驢，我真是倒了大霉，這輩子撞上了你?！彼f道。