雙語·面紗 第六十三章

63

Suddenly, walking along a blank long wall they came to a gateway flanked by sentry boxes, and the bearers set down the chairs. Waddington hurried up to Kitty. She had already jumped out. The officer knocked loudly on the door and shouted. A postern was opened and they passed into a courtyard. It was large and square. Huddled against the walls, under the eaves of the overhanging roofs, soldiers wrapped in their blankets were lying in huddled groups. They stopped for a moment while the officer spoke to a man who might have been a sergeant on guard. He turned and said something to Waddington.

“He's still alive,” said Waddington in a low voice. “Take care how you walk.”

Still preceded by the men with lanterns they made their way across the yard, up some steps, through a great doorway and then down into another wide court. On one side of this was a long chamber with lights in it; the lights within shining through the rice paper, silhouetted the elaborate pattern of the lattice. The lantern-bearers led them across the yard towards this room and at the door the officer, knocked. It was opened immediately and the officer with a glance at Kitty, stepped back.

“Will you walk in,” said Waddington.

It was a long, low room and the smoky lamps that lit it made the gloom ominous. Three or four orderlies stood about. On a pallet against the wall opposite the door a man was lying huddled under a blanket. An officer was standing motionless at the foot.

Kitty hurried up and leaned over the pallet. Walter lay with his eyes closed and in that sombrer light his face had the grayness of death. He was horribly still.

“Walter, Walter,” she gasped, in a low, terrified tone.

There was a slight movement in the body, or the shadow of a movement,; it was so slight it was like a breath of air which you cannot feel and yet for an instant ruffles the surface of still water.

“Walter, Walter, speak to me.”

The eyes were opened slowly, as though it were an infinite effort to raise those heavy lids, but he did not look, he stared at the wall a few inches from his face. He spoke; his voice, low and weak, had the hint of a smile in it.

“This is a pretty kettle of fish,” he said.

Kitty dared not breathe. He made no further sound, no beginning of a gesture, but his eyes, those dark, cold eyes of his (seeing now what mysteries?) stared at the whitewashed wall. Kitty raised herself to her feet. With haggard gaze she faced the man who stood there.

“Surely something can be done. You're not going to stand there and do nothing?”

She clasped her hands. Waddington spoke to the officer who stood at the end of the bed.

“I'm afraid they've done everything that was possible. The regimental surgeon has been treating him. Your husband has trained him and he's done all that your husband could do himself.”

“Is that the surgeon?”

“No, that is Colonel Yü. He's never left your husband's side.”

Distracted, Kitty gave him a glance. He was a tallish man, but stockily built, and he seemed ill at ease in his khaki uniform. He was looking at Walter and she saw that his eyes were wet with tears. It gave her a pang. Why should that man with his yellow, flat face have tears in his eyes? It exasperated her.

“It's awful to be able to do nothing.”

“At least he's not in pain any more,” said Waddington.

She leaned once more over her husband. Those ghastly eyes of his still stared vacantly in front of him. She could not tell if he saw with them. She did not know whether he had heard what was said. She put her lips close to his ears.

“Walter, isn't there something we can do?”

She thought that there must be some drug they could give him which would stay the dreadful ebbing of his life. Now that her eyes were more accustomed to the dimness, she saw with horror that his face had fallen. She would hardly have recognised him. It was unthinkable that in a few short hours he should look like another man; he hardly looked like a man at all; he looked like death.

She thought that he was making an effort to speak. She put her ear close.

“Don't fuss. I've had a rough passage, but I'm all right now.”

Kitty waited for a moment, but he was silent. His immobility rent her heart with anguish; it was terrifying that he should lie so still. He seemed prepared already for the stillness of the grave. Someone, the surgeon or a dresser, came forward and with a gesture motioned her aside; he leaned over the dying man and with a dirty rag wet his lips. Kitty stood up once more and turned to Waddington despairingly.

“Is there no hope at all?” she whispered.

He shook his head.

“How much longer can he live?”

“No one can tell. An hour perhaps.”

Kitty looked round the bare chamber and her eyes rested for an instant on the substantial form of Colonel Yü.

“Can I be left alone with him for a little while?” she asked. “Only for a minute.”

“Certainly, if you wish it.”

Waddington stepped over to the Colonel and spoke to him. The Colonel gave a little bow and then in a low tone an order.

“We shall wait on the steps,” said Waddington as they trooped out. “You have only to call.”

Now that the incredible had overwhelmed her consciousness, like a drug coursing through her veins, and she realized that Walter was going to die she had but one thought, and that was to make his end easier for him by dragging from his soul the rancor which poisoned it. If he could die at peace with her it seemed to her that he would die at peace with himself. She thought now not of herself at all but only of him.

“Walter, I beseech you to forgive me,” she said, leaning over him. For fear that he could not bear the pressure she took care not to touch him. “I'm so desperately sorry for the wrong I did you. I so bitterly regret it.”

He said nothing. He did not seem to hear. She was obliged to insist. It seemed to her strangely that his soul was a fluttering moth and its wings were heavy with hatred.

“Darling.”

A shadow passed over his wan and sunken face. It was less than a movement, and yet it gave all the effect of a terrifying convulsion. She had never used that word to him before. Perhaps in his dying brain there passed the thought, confused and difficultly grasped, that he had only heard her use it, a commonplace of her vocabulary, to dogs and babies and motor-cars. Then something horrible occurred. She clenched her hands, trying with all her might to control herself, for she saw two tears run slowly down his wasted cheeks.

“Oh, my precious, my dear, if you ever loved me--I know you loved me and I was hateful--I beg you to forgive me. I've no chance now to show my repentance. Have mercy on me. I beseech you to forgive.”

She stopped. She looked at him, all breathless, waiting passionately for a reply. She saw that he tried to speak. Her heart gave a great bound. It seemed to her that it would be in a manner a reparation for the suffering she had caused him if at this last moment she could effect his deliverance from that load of bitterness. His lips moved. He did not look at her. His eyes stared unseeing at the white-washed wall. She leaned over him so that she might hear. But he spoke quite clearly.

“The dog it was that died.”

She stayed as still as though she were turned to stone. She could not understand and gazed at him in terrified perplexity. It was meaningless. Delirium. He had not understood a word she said.

It was impossible to be so still and yet to live. She stared. His eyes were open. She could not tell if he breathed. She began to grow frightened.

“Walter,” she whispered. “Walter.”

At last, suddenly, she raised herself. A sudden fear seized her. She turned and went to the door.

“Will you come, please. He doesn't seem to…”

They stepped in. The Chinese surgeon went up to the bed. He had an electric torch in his hand and he lit it and looked at Walter's eyes. Then he closed them. He said something in Chinese. Waddington put his arm round Kitty.

“I'm afraid he's dead.”

Kitty gave a deep sigh. A few tears fell from her eyes. She felt dazed rather than overcome. The Chinese stood about, round the bed, helplessly, as though they did not quite know what to do next. Waddington was silent. In a minute the Chinese began to speak in a low tone among themselves.

“You'd better let me take you back to the bungalow,” said Waddington. “He'll be brought there.”

Kitty passed her hand wearily across her forehead. She went up to the pallet bed and leaned over it. She kissed Walter gently on the lips. She was not crying now.

“I'm sorry to give you so much trouble.”

The officers saluted as she passed and she gravely bowed. They walked back across the courtyard and got into their chairs. She saw Waddington light a cigarette. A little smoke lost in the air, that was the life of man.

第六十三章

沿著一面光禿禿的、長(zhǎng)長(zhǎng)的墻壁走著，猛然間他們來到了一個(gè)大門的入口處，大門兩邊還有哨兵崗?fù)ぁ＾I夫們把轎椅放下，威廷頓急忙向凱蒂的轎椅跑過來，而她早已從轎椅中跳了出來。那位軍官大聲敲著門，嘴里還喊叫著什么。一個(gè)側(cè)門打開了，他們進(jìn)到了院子里。院子很大，四四方方，靠著墻邊，在突出的屋檐之下，士兵們裹著毯子，三個(gè)一群五個(gè)一伙地?cái)D著躺在地上。當(dāng)軍官和一個(gè)可能正在站崗的中士說話的時(shí)候，他們?cè)谠鹤永锏攘艘粫?huì)兒，然后軍官扭過身和威廷頓又說了些什么。

“他還活著?！蓖㈩D用壓得很低的聲音說道，“小心腳底下。”

前面仍然有拿著燈籠的人給他們開路，他們穿過院子，上了幾級(jí)臺(tái)階，通過了較大的門廊，然后又來到了另一個(gè)寬大的院子。院子的一邊是一個(gè)長(zhǎng)條形的臥室，里面亮著燈，燈光透過宣紙，映襯著窗格上造型別致的圖案。拿著燈籠的人領(lǐng)著他們穿過院落走到這個(gè)房間前，軍官敲了敲門。門馬上開了，軍官看了一眼凱蒂，往后退了一步。

“你進(jìn)去吧?！蓖㈩D說道。

這是一個(gè)又長(zhǎng)又低矮的房間，點(diǎn)著一盞煤油燈，屋里昏暗，有著一種不祥的征兆。三四個(gè)士兵在四下站著，在正對(duì)著門的墻邊上有一張木床，一個(gè)男人在床上躺著，蜷縮在毯子里，一個(gè)軍官正一動(dòng)不動(dòng)地站在床腳。

凱蒂急忙奔過去，趴到床邊。沃爾特雙眼緊閉躺在床上，在昏暗的燈光下，他的臉如死人一般灰白，他靜靜地躺著，樣子很嚇人。

“沃爾特，沃爾特?！彼玫偷偷摹⒑ε碌穆曇魡镜?。

沃爾特的身體略微動(dòng)了一下，動(dòng)作之輕就像一陣微風(fēng)掠過，你根本感覺不到，或者就像瞬間的漣漪拂過平靜的水面。

“沃爾特，沃爾特，跟我說話?！?/p>

他的眼睛慢慢睜開了，好像使出了全身的力氣才把沉重的眼皮撐開，但是他哪兒也沒看，盯著離他幾英寸遠(yuǎn)的墻壁。他說話了，他的聲音低沉而虛弱，但有一絲笑意在里面。

“這是一個(gè)漂亮的魚缸。”他說道。

凱蒂不敢呼吸，他沒有再出聲，也沒有開始用手勢(shì)的意思，但是他的眼睛，那雙烏黑、冰冷的眼睛（現(xiàn)在看到什么神秘的東西了嗎？）盯著刷白灰的墻壁。凱蒂站起了身，心力憔悴地看著站在那兒的那個(gè)男人。

“應(yīng)該能做點(diǎn)兒什么吧，你不能只站在那兒什么也不做吧？”

她攥緊了雙手。威廷頓跟站在床腳的軍官說了幾句話。

“我恐怕他們已經(jīng)做了一切可能應(yīng)該做的事了，軍醫(yī)也已經(jīng)給他治療過了，他接受過你丈夫的培訓(xùn)，已經(jīng)做了你丈夫自己能做的一切?！?/p>

“你就是那個(gè)軍醫(yī)嗎？”

“不，這位是余上校。他一步也沒離開過你丈夫的左右?！?/p>

凱蒂心神紛亂地看了他一眼，他是位個(gè)頭很高的人，身材也很結(jié)實(shí)，似乎穿著卡其布軍裝很別扭。他正在看著沃爾特，她看到他的眼睛里滿是淚水，這好像給了她當(dāng)頭一棒，為什么這個(gè)黃皮膚、面孔扁平的男人眼中會(huì)有淚？她被激怒了。

“我們就眼睜睜地看著他死，這也太可怕了?！?/p>

“至少他不再有痛苦了?！蓖㈩D說道。

她再一次俯下身去，看著她的丈夫。那雙嚇人的眼睛仍然直勾勾地盯著前方，她不知道他是否看見了他們，也不知道他是否聽到了他們的對(duì)話。她把嘴唇靠近他的耳邊。

“沃爾特，我們還能做些什么？”

她覺得一定有某種藥，他們可以給他吃，能夠挽留住他即將如潮水般退去的生命?，F(xiàn)在她的眼睛已經(jīng)適應(yīng)了屋里昏暗的光線，她驚恐地發(fā)現(xiàn)他的臉已經(jīng)塌陷下去了，幾乎都認(rèn)不出來了。真是難以想象，就在幾個(gè)小時(shí)之前，他還是另外一個(gè)人。他看上去一點(diǎn)兒也不像個(gè)活生生的人了，就像一個(gè)死人。

她覺得他正想掙扎著說話，她把耳朵靠近了他的嘴。

“別大驚小怪了，我已經(jīng)走過了一段艱難的道路，但是我現(xiàn)在沒事了?！?/p>

凱蒂等了一會(huì)兒，他又不吭聲了。他的一動(dòng)不動(dòng)又讓她撕心裂肺地痛苦起來，他就這樣靜靜地躺著是個(gè)很可怕的事，好像已經(jīng)為他靜靜地躺在墳?zāi)怪凶龊昧藴?zhǔn)備。有個(gè)人，也許是軍醫(yī)或者護(hù)理員，走上前來，示意她向一旁挪挪身子，他俯身用一條臟毛巾給這個(gè)奄奄一息的人的嘴唇潤(rùn)濕了一下。凱蒂再次站起身來，絕望地轉(zhuǎn)向威廷頓。

“一點(diǎn)兒希望也沒有了嗎？”她輕聲說道。

他搖了搖頭。

“他還能活多久？”

“沒人知道，也許一個(gè)小時(shí)?！?/p>

凱蒂環(huán)視了一下這空蕩蕩的房間，視線落到了余上?？嗟纳聿纳嫌幸恍?huì)兒。

“能讓我單獨(dú)和他待一會(huì)兒?jiǎn)?？”她問道，“就一?huì)兒?！?/p>

“當(dāng)然可以，如果你愿意?！?/p>

威廷頓上前和余上校說了凱蒂的意思，上校向她略微頷首，然后用低沉的聲音命令大家出去。

“我們都到臺(tái)階上去等?！碑?dāng)大家依次退出后，威廷頓說道，“有事你叫我們。”

凱蒂還是無法相信眼前的一切都是真的，突然就像一劑藥注入了她的靜脈，她終于意識(shí)到沃爾特要死了，她現(xiàn)在唯一的念頭就是讓他臨終前能夠把心中淤積已久的怨恨全部放下，走得輕松些。好像對(duì)她而言，如果有她陪著他能心平氣和地死去，就意味著他可以獨(dú)自安寧地踏上黃泉路了。她現(xiàn)在腦子全然沒有考慮自己，只想著讓他安心走。

“沃爾特，我乞求你的原諒?！彼郎惤亩呎f道，怕壓著他，她小心地不去碰他的身子，“我對(duì)自己做過的對(duì)不起你的事感到萬分抱歉，我現(xiàn)在真的特別后悔?！?/p>

他沒說話，似乎也沒有聽見她的話，她不得不向他繼續(xù)說著同樣的話。很奇怪，她好像覺得他的靈魂就像一只扇動(dòng)翅膀的飛蛾，而翅膀已經(jīng)被仇恨填滿變得格外沉重，飛不起來了，在地上痛苦地掙扎。

“親愛的。”

他蠟黃和干癟的臉上好像有了一絲反應(yīng)，還談不上有多大的變化，但足以有了平常抽搐的效果。她以前從來沒有稱呼過他“親愛的”，也許在他漸漸失去意識(shí)的大腦中會(huì)閃過這樣的念頭，這個(gè)稱呼怎么這樣讓人困惑和難以捉摸呢，這個(gè)再普通不過的稱呼，他只聽見她用在小狗、嬰兒和小汽車上面。這時(shí)，發(fā)生了一件恐怖的事情，她緊攥著拳頭，想盡一切力量控制住自己，因?yàn)樗置骺匆妰深w豆大的淚珠慢慢地從他枯槁的臉頰上滑過。

“哦，我寶貴的，我親愛的，如果你愛過我——我知道你愛我，而我是那么可恨——我乞求你原諒我。我現(xiàn)在沒有機(jī)會(huì)表達(dá)我的悔恨之情了?？蓱z可憐我吧，我乞求你的原諒?！?/p>

她停了下來，大氣不敢出地看著他，急切地等著他回答。她看出他想說話，她的心都快跳出了嗓子眼兒，在她看來，如果在最后一刻她能夠讓他從怨恨與悲苦中解脫出來，也算是用這種方式為她給他造成的種種痛苦做了些彌補(bǔ)。他的嘴唇動(dòng)了動(dòng)，沒有看她。他的眼睛失神地盯著白墻。她湊近他的嘴邊以便能聽見他的話。然而，這次他說得十分清晰。

“死的是那條狗?！盵1]

她僵住了，好像變成了石頭一般。她無法理解他的話，用驚恐而疑惑的神情凝視著他。這話毫無意義，是他在神志不清的狀態(tài)下說的胡話，他也不能理解她說的每一個(gè)字了。

活著的人是不可能這樣直挺挺地一動(dòng)不動(dòng)的，她盯著他，他的眼睛睜得很大，她不能確定他是否還在喘氣，她開始變得害怕起來。

“沃爾特?！彼吐暤睾魡?，“沃爾特?！?/p>

最后，她突然站直了身子，一陣突如其來的恐懼震懾住了她，她轉(zhuǎn)過身去奔向了門口。

“來人呀，請(qǐng)快進(jìn)來，他好像……”

他們進(jìn)了屋，中國軍醫(yī)來到床前，他按亮了手上的手電棒，照了照沃爾特的眼睛，查看了一下，然后把它們合上了。他用中文說了幾句話，威廷頓用雙臂摟緊了凱蒂。

“恐怕他已經(jīng)死了。”

凱蒂深深地嘆了口氣，淚水從她的眼眶中涌了出來。她覺得有些眩暈，而不是在努力控制自己的情緒。雖然那些中國人也不清楚接下來要干什么，但他們還是圍上來，站在了床邊，有些束手無策。威廷頓也沒有作聲，過了一會(huì)兒，在他們中間的那個(gè)中國人開始用低沉的聲音說著什么了。

“你最好讓我把你送回家去?！蓖㈩D說道，“他也會(huì)被送回去的?！?/p>

凱蒂疲憊地用手摩挲了一下前額，又走到床邊，俯下身子，輕輕地親吻了沃爾特的嘴唇。她現(xiàn)在不哭了。

“很抱歉給你們添了這么多麻煩?！?/p>

當(dāng)她經(jīng)過人群時(shí)，軍人們向她敬禮，她莊重地鞠躬還禮。他們穿過院子走了出去，又坐上了轎椅。她看見威廷頓點(diǎn)燃了一支香煙，一股青煙飄散在空氣中，慢慢消失了，就像人的生命。

* * *

[1]一個(gè)非常著名的典故，出自十八世紀(jì)英國詩人戈德史密斯《挽歌》一詩。大意是好心人收留了一條狗，后來人畜反目，狗發(fā)瘋將人咬傷。大家都認(rèn)為那個(gè)好心人會(huì)死掉，最終死的卻是狗。