雙語·面紗 第二十九章

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On the steamer that took them up the Western River Walter read incessantly, but at meal-times he endeavoured to make some kind of conversation. He talked to her as though she were a stranger with whom he happened to be making the journey, of indifferent things, from politeness, Kitty imagined, or because so he could render more marked the gulf that separated them.

In a flash of insight she had told Charlie that Walter had sent her to him with the threat of divorce as the alternative to her accompanying him to the stricken city in order that she might see for herself how indifferent, cowardly and selfish he was. It was true. It was a trick which accorded very well with his sardonic humour. He knew exactly what would happen and he had given her amah necessary instructions before her return. She had caught in his eyes a disdain which seemed to include her lover as well as herself. He said to himself, perhaps, that if he had been in Townsend's place nothing in the world would have hindered him from making any sacrifice to gratify her smallest whim. She knew that was true also. But then, when her eyes were opened, how could he make her do something which was so dangerous, and which he must know frightened her so terribly? At first she thought he was only playing with her and till they actually started, no, later, till they left the river and took to the chairs for the journey across country, she thought he would give that little laugh of his and tell her that she need not come. She had no inkling of what was in his mind. He could not really desire her death. He had loved her so desperately. She knew what love was now and she remembered a thousand signs of his adoration. For him really, in the French phrase, she did make fine weather and foul. It was impossible that he did not love her still. Did you cease to love a person because you had been treated cruelly? She had not made him suffer as Charlie had made her suffer and yet, if Charlie made a sign, notwithstanding everything, even though she knew him now, she would abandon all the world had to offer and fly to his arms. Even though he had sacrificed her and cared nothing for her, even though he was callous and unkind, she loved him.

At first she thought that she had only to bide her time, and sooner or later Walter would forgive her. She had been too confident of her power over him to believe that it was gone for ever. Many waters could not quench love. He was weak if he loved her, and felt that love her he must. But now she was not quite sure. When in the evening he sat reading in the straight-backed blackwood chair of the inn with the light of a hurricane lamp on his face she was able to watch him at her ease. She lay on the pallet on which her bed presently would be set and she was in shadow. Those straight, regular features of his made his face look very severe. You could hardly believe that it was possible for them on occasion to be changed by so sweet a smile. He was able to read as calmly as though she were a thousand miles away; she saw him turn the pages and she saw his eyes move regularly as they travelled from line to line. He was not thinking of her. And when, the table being set and dinner brought in, he put aside his book and gave her a glance (not knowing how the light on his face threw into distinctness his expression), she was startled to see in his eyes a look of physical distaste. Yes, it startled her. Was it possible that his love had left him entirely? Was it possible that he really designed her death? It was absurd. That would be the act of a madman. It was odd, the little shiver that ran through her as the thought occurred to her that perhaps Walter was not quite sane.

第二十九章

輪船載著他們沿著西江逆流而上。沃爾特一直在讀書看報，但在吃飯的時候，他還是竭力想找些話題來聊天。他跟她說話的態(tài)度好像她是他在旅途中碰巧遇到的陌生人，出于禮貌，談些無關緊要的事情。凱蒂想象，或者因為這樣，他才能表達出兩個人之間隔著一道鴻溝。

在她洞察到沃爾特陰謀的瞬間，她曾告訴查理，沃爾特以離婚相威脅讓她去找他，而另一個選項是讓她陪沃爾特去遭受瘟疫的城市，目的就是讓她自己看清查理是多么的冷漠、懦弱和自私。這種直覺看來是正確的，這手段完全符合他冷嘲式的幽默，他準確地預測到了她和查理會面后的結局，所以在她回來之前，他已經(jīng)向女仆下達了替她收拾行李的指令。她在他的眼中似乎看到了某種不屑，既包括對他情人的，也包括對她的。也許他還會自言自語地說，如果他和湯森調換個位置，他愿意克服重重障礙，做出任何犧牲去滿足她的一切愿望，她也知道他真的會去那么做。但是，每當她把眼睛睜開，從亂麻的思緒中回到現(xiàn)實，就會埋怨他怎么能把她帶到如此危險的地方，難道他不知道這會嚇得她不輕嗎？起初，她認為他只是嚇唬嚇唬她，直到他們真的啟程上路，不對，是再后來，直到他們離船登岸，又坐上轎椅，開始穿過鄉(xiāng)間的旅程的時候，她還以為他會對她笑笑說，她不需要來這兒。她不知道他是怎么想的，但他不會真的希望她死吧，因為他曾經(jīng)不顧一切地愛她。她現(xiàn)在明白愛情是什么了，而且記起了他對她的千般好。對于沃爾特，用一個法語諺語來說，她的確身在福中不知福。但他不可能不再愛她了呀，因為你受到了虐待，你就會停止愛一個人嗎？查理讓她痛不欲生，她起碼沒有像查理對她那樣讓沃爾特那么痛苦。如果查理給她些暗示，哪怕是一點點，即使現(xiàn)在她已經(jīng)認清了他，她也會拋棄所有的一切，飛奔向他的懷抱。即使他犧牲了她，不顧她的死活，即使他鐵石心腸和無情無義，她還是愛他。

最初，她認為自己只需熬過這段時間，沃爾特遲早會原諒她的。她對自己在他心目中的地位過于自信，覺得事情很快就會過去。大水撲不滅愛的火焰，只要他愛她——她覺得他必須愛她——他就不會強硬下去，但是，現(xiàn)在她開始不那么有信心了。傍晚時分，他坐在旅店直背的黑木椅上讀書，借著馬燈的燈光她能方便地觀察到他的臉。她正躺在一個目前就作為床來使用的墊子上，正好處于光線的背影處，他臉上筆直規(guī)則的棱角，使得他的神情看上去十分冷峻，你無法相信這張嚴肅的臉有時候也會泛起甜蜜的微笑。他能夠把書讀得如此專注和安靜，好像她離他有十萬八千里遠。他一頁一頁地翻著書，眼睛一行一行有規(guī)律地移動，好像身邊沒有她這個人似的。當飯桌擺好，晚飯端上來的時候，他把書放到了一邊，瞥了她一眼（他不知道照在他臉上的光線使他的表情被凱蒂看得一清二楚），她吃驚地發(fā)現(xiàn)他的眼中是一副對她從心底里厭惡的神情。是的，這神情嚇壞了她。是不是他對她的愛可能已經(jīng)完全沒有了？有沒有可能他確實在設計讓她去死？真是荒唐，只有瘋子才會這么干。但從目前發(fā)生的一切來看，確實有些匪夷所思。當她想到沃爾特其實并沒有發(fā)瘋，覺得從頭到腳掠過一陣寒意。