雙語·面紗 第十一章

But one afternoon when she was walking home from Harrod's she chanced to meet Walter Fane in the Brompton Road, He stopped and talked to her. Then, casually, he asked her if she would take a turn with him in the Park. She had no particular wish to go home; it was not just then a very agreeable place. They strolled along, talking as they always talked, of casual things, and he asked her where she was going for the summer.

“Oh, we always bury ourselves in the country. You see, father is exhausted after the term's work and we just go to the quietest place we can find.”

Kitty spoke with her tongue in her cheek, for she knew quite well that her father had not nearly enough work to tire him and even if he had his convenience would never have been consulted in the choice of a holiday. But a quiet place was a cheap place.

“Don't you think those chairs look rather inviting?” said Walter suddenly.

She followed his eyes and saw two green chairs by themselves under a tree on the grass.

“Let us sit in them,” she said.

But when they were seated he seemed to grow strangely abstracted. He was an odd creature. She chattered on, however, gaily enough and wondered why he had asked her to walk with him in the Park. Perhaps he was going to confide in her his passion for the flat-footed nurse in Hong Kong. Suddenly he turned to her, interrupting her in the middle of a sentence, so that she could not but see that he had not been listening, and his face was chalk white.

“I want to say something to you.”

She looked at him quickly and she saw that his eyes were filled with a painful anxiety. His voice was strained, low and not quite steady. But before she could ask herself what this agitation meant he spoke again.

“I want to ask if you'll marry me.”

“You could knock me down with a feather,” she answered so surprised that she looked at him blankly.

“Didn't you know I was awfully in love with you?”

“You never showed it.”

“I'm very awkward and clumsy. I always find it more difficult to say the things I mean than the things I don't.”

Her heart began to beat a little more quickly. She had been proposed to often before, but gaily or sentimentally, and she had answered in the same fashion. No one had ever asked her to marry him in a manner which was so abrupt and yet strangely tragic.

“It's very kind of you,” she said, doubtfully.

“I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. I wanted to ask you before, but I could never bring myself to it.”

“I'm not sure if that's very well put,” she chuckled.

She was glad to have an opportunity to laugh a little, for on that fine, sunny day the air about them seemed on a sudden heavy with foreboding. He frowned darkly.

“Oh, you know what I mean. I didn't want to lose hope. But now you're going away and in the autumn I have to go back to China.”

“I've never thought of you in that way,” she said helplessly.

He said nothing more. He looked down on the grass sullenly. He was a very odd creature. But now that he had told her she felt in some mysterious way that his love was something she had never met before. She was a little frightened, but she was elated also. His impassivity was vaguely impressive.

“You must give me time to think.”

Still he did not say anything. He did not stir. Did he mean to keep her there till she had decided? That was absurd. She must talk it over with her mother. She ought to have got up when she spoke, she had waited, thinking he would answer, and now, she did not know why, she found it difficult to make a movement. She did not look at him, but she was conscious of his appearance; she had never seen herself marrying a man so little taller than herself. When you sat close to him you saw how good his features were, and how cold his face. It was strange when you couldn't help being conscious of the devastating passion which was in his heart.

“I don't know you, I don't know you at all,” she said tremulously.

He gave her a look and she felt her eyes drawn to his. They had a tenderness which she had never seen in them before, but there was something beseeching in them, like a dog's that has been whipped, which slightly exasperated her.

“I think I improve on acquaintance,” he said.

“Of course you're shy, aren't you?”

It was certainly the oddest proposal she had ever had. And even now it seemed to her that they were saying to one another the last things you would have expected on such an occasion. She was not in the least in love with him. She did not know why she hesitated to refuse him at once.

“I'm awfully stupid,” he said, “I want to tell you that I love you more than anything in the world, but I find it so awfully difficult to say.”

Now that was odd too, for inexplicably enough it touched her; he wasn't really cold, of course, it was his manner that was unfortunate: she liked him at that moment better than she had ever liked him before. Doris was to be married in November. He would be on his way to China then and if she married him she would be with him. It wouldn't be very nice to be a bridesmaid at Doris's wedding. She would be glad to escape that. And then Doris as a married woman and herself single! Everyone knew how young Doris was and it would make her seem older. It would put her on the shelf. It wouldn't be a very good marriage for her, but it was a marriage, and the fact that she would live in China made it easier. She was afraid of her mother's bitter tongue. Why, all the girls who had come out with her were married long ago and most of them had children; she was tired of going to see them and gushing over their babies. Walter Fane offered her a new life. She turned to him with a smile which she well knew the effect of.

“If I were so rash as to say I'd marry you, when would you want to marry me?”

He gave a sudden gasp of delight, and his white cheeks flushed.

“Now. At once. As soon as possible. We'd go to Italy for our honeymoon. August and September.”

That would save her from spending the summer in a country vicarage, hired at five guineas a week, with her father and mother. In a flash she saw in her mind's eye the announcement in the Morning Post that, the bridegroom having to return to the East, the wedding would take place at once. She knew her mother well enough, she could be counted on to make a splash; for the moment at least Doris would be in the background and when Doris's much grander wedding took place she would be far away.

She stretched out her hand.

“I think I like you very much. You must give me time to get used to you.”

“Then it's yes?” he interrupted.

“I suppose so.”

然而，一天午后，她在從哈羅德家步行回家的途中，在布羅姆頓路上碰巧遇見了沃爾特。他停下腳步，跟她攀談起來。隨后，他像是很隨意地問她是否愿意和他一起去公園走走。她也不是特別想回家，而且公園也確實(shí)是個(gè)讓人愜意的地方，于是他們一邊溜達(dá)，一邊像以往一樣聊著天。他問她夏天打算去哪兒度假。

“哦，我們一家總是去鄉(xiāng)下待上一段時(shí)間，你知道，忙完一個(gè)周期的工作，我父親會(huì)很累，我們只能去那些能找到的最安靜的地方?！?/p>

凱蒂虛情假意又略帶自我解嘲地說道，因?yàn)樗芮宄赣H的工作量并不怎么滿，不會(huì)累著的，甚至家里都不會(huì)為選擇度假的地點(diǎn)而去征求他的意見，不過安靜的地方往往就是便宜的地方。

“你不認(rèn)為那些椅子在向我們發(fā)出邀請(qǐng)嗎？”沃爾特突然說道。

她順著他的目光看去，在不遠(yuǎn)處樹下的草坪上有兩把空著的椅子。

“那我們?nèi)プ鴷?huì)兒吧?！彼f道。

但當(dāng)他們坐下來以后，他似乎又變得高深莫測起來，真是個(gè)怪人。不過，她還是心情不錯(cuò)地一邊聊著天，一邊在心中揣摩他邀請(qǐng)她一起到公園散步的原因，也許他打算向她吐露他自己對(duì)遠(yuǎn)在香港的某個(gè)扁平足護(hù)士的愛情。突然，他轉(zhuǎn)向了她，在她說到半截的時(shí)候打斷了她，她雖然不知道他要說什么，但明白他沒有在聽她的話，而且他的臉變得刷白。

“有些話我想對(duì)你說?！?/p>

她很快地看了他一眼，發(fā)現(xiàn)他的眼睛里充滿了痛苦的焦慮。他的聲音變得緊張、低沉，還有點(diǎn)兒語無倫次?？墒窃谒軌蛩伎妓倪@種激動(dòng)由來之前，他再一次開了口。

“我想問你是否愿意嫁給我?！?/p>

“你嚇著我了?！彼泽@地回答說，茫然地望著他。

“你看不出來嗎，我早就愛上了你？”

“你從來沒有表露出來呀?！?/p>

“我笨嘴拙舌，總是發(fā)現(xiàn)詞不達(dá)意。”

她的心跳開始加快，以前經(jīng)常有人向她求婚，但不管這些人求婚時(shí)是興高采烈，還是多愁善感，她總能用相同的方式回答，還從來沒有人用這樣一種突如其來、還帶著某種奇怪的悲劇色彩的方式向她求婚。

“你真的太好了?！彼t疑不決地回答道。

“我第一次見到你，就愛上了你，我也早就想向你表白，但總也鼓不起勇氣?！?/p>

“我不能確定這么做好不好?！彼┛┑匦α似饋怼?/p>

她很高興能有機(jī)會(huì)笑上一小會(huì)兒了，因?yàn)樵谶@個(gè)陽光燦爛的晴朗日子，周圍的氣氛似乎突然籠罩在濃重的不祥之兆中，他的眉頭緊鎖。

“哦，你知道我的意思，我不想放棄希望，但是現(xiàn)在你快要走了，而在秋天我也不得不回到中國去?！?/p>

“可我從來沒有把你看作是追求者。”她無助地說道。

他不再說話了，低著頭陰沉地看著草地。他確實(shí)是個(gè)怪人，不過現(xiàn)在他已經(jīng)告訴她了一切，而且是以某種她覺得神秘的方式來表白，他的這種愛也是她以前從未碰到過的。她有點(diǎn)兒受到了驚嚇，但同時(shí)也有些暗自得意，他的泰然自若還隱約留在她的印象中呢。

“你得給我時(shí)間讓我考慮考慮?！?/p>

他依然一動(dòng)不動(dòng)，也沒有說話，他該不會(huì)想讓她就在這里做出決定吧？那也太荒唐了，她必須和母親商量一下。說這話時(shí)她本該站起身來，但她還是坐在那兒，等著他的回答?，F(xiàn)在她發(fā)現(xiàn)，不知道為什么很難再動(dòng)一動(dòng)身子了，她沒有看他，但能夠感覺到他表情的變化。她以前從來沒有想到會(huì)嫁給一個(gè)個(gè)頭只比自己高那么一點(diǎn)兒的男人。當(dāng)你緊挨著他坐在一起的時(shí)候，能看到他外表俊朗，不茍言笑，當(dāng)你意識(shí)到在他內(nèi)心中有著摧枯拉朽般強(qiáng)烈的激情時(shí)，會(huì)覺得很奇怪。

“我不了解你，一點(diǎn)兒都不了解你。”她聲音顫抖地說道。

他看著凱蒂，而凱蒂不知不覺也被他的目光所吸引，她以前在他的眼睛中從來沒見到過這種溫柔，但同時(shí)還有某種乞求的成分在里面，就像一條被鞭打的狗，而這一點(diǎn)又有點(diǎn)兒惹惱了她。

“我覺得已經(jīng)跟你很熟了呢?！彼f道。

“可你還是挺害羞的，不是嗎？”

顯然，這是她遇到過的最奇特的求婚了。盡管如此，在這樣的場合下，對(duì)她來說他們彼此間的談話無論如何也該打住了。她一點(diǎn)兒也不愛他，她不知道為什么不當(dāng)場拒絕他，還顯得猶猶豫豫。

“我真是個(gè)笨蛋?！彼f，“我想告訴你，我對(duì)你的愛勝過世上的一切，但我又發(fā)現(xiàn)這很難說出口?！?/p>

另一件奇怪的事也發(fā)生了，那就是她莫名地有些感動(dòng)，讓人覺得難以理解。當(dāng)然了，他并非真的冷漠，只是他的行事方式不幸給人造成了這種印象，在那一時(shí)刻，她對(duì)他的厭惡沒有增加，反而更喜歡他了。再說，多瑞絲在十一月份結(jié)婚，那時(shí)他也要回中國去了，如果她嫁給他，當(dāng)然要和他一起去中國，這樣在多瑞絲的婚禮上她就不會(huì)當(dāng)伴娘了，這一點(diǎn)還是不錯(cuò)的，因?yàn)樗芨吲d能夠擺脫這些事情，而且要是多瑞絲嫁人了，她自己還單身，這讓人情何以堪！大家都知道多瑞絲有多年輕，這就讓她顯得更老氣橫秋了。她竟然嫁不出去，雖然對(duì)她來說，嫁給沃爾特不是太理想的婚姻，但畢竟她出嫁了，而她婚后會(huì)住在中國，使得這樁婚事變得更加簡單，她害怕她母親的毒舌。唉，跟她一起長大的所有女孩都早已嫁人，大多數(shù)的人還有了孩子，她懶得去看她們，也厭倦她們沒完沒了地談?wù)撟约旱暮⒆印Ｎ譅柼貢?huì)帶給她新的生活，她微笑著向他轉(zhuǎn)過身去，她深知這樣做所產(chǎn)生的效果。

“如果我不顧后果地答應(yīng)嫁給你，你想什么時(shí)候娶我？”

他突然驚喜地喘了口氣，剛才煞白的臉現(xiàn)在漲得通紅。

“現(xiàn)在，馬上，越快越好，我們可以在八月份和九月份去意大利度蜜月?！?/p>

那樣就省去她和父母去鄉(xiāng)下牧師的小屋了，小屋的租金一周才五個(gè)幾尼。一瞬間，在想象中她仿佛看見《晨報(bào)》上登出了布告：由于新郎要返回東方工作，婚禮即刻舉辦。她非常了解自己的母親，她一定會(huì)讓此事引起轟動(dòng)，至少在那一刻，多瑞絲會(huì)作為陪襯，而當(dāng)多瑞絲盛大的婚禮舉辦時(shí)，她已經(jīng)遠(yuǎn)走高飛了。

她伸出了手。

“我覺得自己很喜歡你，但你要給我時(shí)間讓我適應(yīng)你?！?/p>

“那就是說，你答應(yīng)啦？”他打斷了她的話。

“我想是的?！?/p>