演講MP3+雙語文稿:改變生活？先從改變你的故事開始

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【演講者及介紹】Lori Gottlieb

心理治療師，作者。一個(gè)講故事的人。她以好萊塢高管的身份為電影和電視連續(xù)劇制作了故事，深入研究了她的主題故事。

【演講主題】如何改變你的故事可以改變你的生活

【中英文字幕】

翻譯者 psjmz mz 校對者 Jiasi Hao

00:12

I'm going to start by telling you about anemail that I saw in my inbox recently. Now, I have a pretty unusual inboxbecause I'm a therapist and I write an advice column called "DearTherapist," so you can imagine what's in there. I mean, I've read thousandsof very personal letters from strangers all over the world. And these lettersrange from heartbreak and loss, to spats with parents or siblings. I keep themin a folder on my laptop, and I've named it "The Problems of Living."So, I get this email, I get lots of emails just like this, and I want to bringyou into my world for a second and read you one of these letters. And here'show it goes.

演講的開始我將會(huì)給你們分享一封我最近在收件箱看到的郵件。我的收件箱比較特別，因?yàn)槲沂莻€(gè)心理咨詢師，而且我寫著一個(gè)叫《親愛的咨詢師》的建議專欄，你也可以想象收件箱里的會(huì)是什么。我意思是，我閱讀了來自全球各地陌生人的數(shù)千封非常私人的信件。這些信件的內(nèi)容包括心碎和失去，到與父母或兄弟姐妹發(fā)生口角。我把他們保存在我電腦的一個(gè)文件夾里，命名為“活著的問題”。我收到這些郵件，很多這樣的郵件，我想把你們帶到我的世界片刻，給你們讀其中一封信件。內(nèi)容大概是這樣。

00:58

"Dear Therapist, I've been married for10 years and things were good until a couple of years ago. That's when my husbandstopped wanting to have sex as much, and now we barely have sex at all."I'm sure you guys were not expecting this.

“親愛的咨詢師，我結(jié)婚 10 年了，直到幾年前，一切都很好。那時(shí)我丈夫沒那么想和我做愛了，現(xiàn)在我們幾乎很少有性生活。”我相信你們沒有預(yù)料到這內(nèi)容。

01:11

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

01:12

"Well, last night I discovered thatfor the past few months, he's been secretly having long, late-night phone callswith a woman at his office. I googled her, and she's gorgeous. I can't believethis is happening. My father had an affair with a coworker when I was young andit broke our family apart. Needless to say, I'm devastated. If I stay in thismarriage, I'll never be able to trust my husband again. But I don't want to putour kids through a divorce, stepmom situation, etc. What should I do?"

“昨晚，我發(fā)現(xiàn)在過去幾個(gè)月中，他一直在悄悄地跟他辦公室的一個(gè)女人打很長的深夜電話。我搜索了她，她很漂亮。我無法相信這發(fā)生了。小時(shí)候我父親和他同事發(fā)生了外遇，這讓我們的家庭支離破碎。不用說，我很傷心。如果我繼續(xù)維持這段婚姻，我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)再相信我丈夫了。但我不想讓我的孩子經(jīng)歷父母離異，將他們推向繼父/繼母的等等艱難境地。我應(yīng)該怎么辦？”

01:42

Well, what do you think she should do? Ifyou got this letter, you might be thinking about how painful infidelity is. Ormaybe about how especially painful it is here because of her experience growingup with her father. And like me, you'd probably have some empathy for thiswoman, and you might even have some, how should I put this nicely, let's justcall them "not-so-positive" feelings for her husband.

你們覺得她應(yīng)該怎么做？如果你收到這封信，你可能會(huì)覺得不忠是多么讓人痛苦。或尤其考慮到她不忠的父親的過往，這是多么讓人痛苦的事啊。跟我一樣，你可能會(huì)對這個(gè)女士產(chǎn)生同情，你甚至可能有些，我應(yīng)該怎么說合適些，我們稱其為對她丈夫“不是很正面”的感覺。

02:07

Now, those are the kinds of things that gothrough my mind too, when I'm reading these letters in my inbox. But I have tobe really careful when I respond to these letters because I know that everyletter I get is actually just a story written by a specific author. And thatanother version of this story also exists. It always does. And I know thisbecause if I've learned anything as a therapist, it's that we are allunreliable narrators of our own lives. I am. You are. And so is everyone youknow. Which I probably shouldn't have told you because now you're not going tobelieve my TED Talk.

當(dāng)我閱讀收件箱里的這些信件時(shí)，這些也是我腦海中的感覺。但回復(fù)這些郵件的時(shí)候，我需要非常小心，因?yàn)槲抑牢沂盏降拿恳环庑偶?是一位特別的作者寫的故事。這個(gè)故事的另一版本也會(huì)存在?？偸侨绱?。我知道這點(diǎn)是因?yàn)槲覐氖伦稍儙煂W(xué)到了我們都不可靠地 敘述著自己的生活。我就如此。你們也是。你們認(rèn)識(shí)的每個(gè)人也如此?；蛟S我不應(yīng)該告訴你這些，因?yàn)楝F(xiàn)在你們可能不會(huì)相信我的 TED 演講了。

02:43

Look, I don't mean that we purposelymislead. Most of what people tell me is absolutely true, just from theircurrent points of view. Depending on what they emphasize or minimize, what theyleave in, what they leave out, what they see and want me to see, they telltheir stories in a particular way. The psychologist Jerome Bruner describedthis beautifully -- he said, "To tell a story is, inescapably, to take amoral stance." All of us walk around with stories about our lives. Whychoices were made, why things went wrong, why we treated someone a certain way-- because obviously, they deserved it -- why someone treated us a certain way-- even though, obviously, we didn't. Stories are the way we make sense of ourlives.

并非是我們有意誤導(dǎo)。大部分人告訴我的絕對是真的，但只是從他們的視角來看。取決于他們強(qiáng)調(diào)或淡化什么，留下了什么，舍棄了什么，看到了什么，以及想讓我看到什么，他們用一種特定的方式講故事。心理學(xué)家杰羅姆·布魯納對此做了精彩的描述——“為了講述一個(gè)故事，人們不可避免地要采取一種道德立場?！蔽覀兯腥?都被自己的生活故事所包圍。為什么做出選擇，事情為什么出錯(cuò)，為什么我們這樣對待某人——因?yàn)楹茱@然，他們自取的——為什么人們要這樣對我——即使我完全不應(yīng)受到這種待遇。故事是我們讓生活變得合理且有意義的方式。

03:23

But what happens when the stories we tellare misleading or incomplete or just wrong? Well, instead of providing clarity,these stories keep us stuck. We assume that our circumstances shape ourstories. But what I found time and again in my work is that the exact oppositehappens. The way we narrate our lives shapes what they become. That's thedanger of our stories, because they can really mess us up, but it's also theirpower. Because what it means is that if we can change our stories, then we canchange our lives. And today, I want to show you how.

但當(dāng)我們講述的故事有誤導(dǎo)性、不完整，或錯(cuò)誤時(shí)，會(huì)怎樣呢？這些故事不僅沒有提供準(zhǔn)確清晰的信息，反倒把我們困住了。我們認(rèn)定我們的環(huán)境塑造了我們的故事。但在我的工作中，我一次又一次地發(fā)現(xiàn)，情況恰恰相反。我們敘述生活的方式?jīng)Q定了生活的未來方向。這是我們故事的危險(xiǎn)之處，因?yàn)樗鼈冋娴目梢园盐覀兏愕靡粓F(tuán)糟，但這也是它們的力量所在。因?yàn)檫@意味著若能改變我們講述的故事，我們即可改變生活。今天，我想向你們展示如何做到。

03:59

Now, I told you I'm a therapist, and Ireally am, I'm not being an unreliable narrator. But if I'm, let's say, on anairplane, and someone asks what I do, I usually say I'm an editor. And I saythat partly because if I say I'm a therapist, I always get some awkwardresponse, like, "Oh, a therapist. Are you going to psychoanalyze me?"And I'm thinking, "A : no, and B: why would I do that here? If I said Iwas a gynecologist, would you ask if I were about to give you a pelvicexam?"

我告訴過你們我是個(gè)咨詢師，我真的是，我現(xiàn)在不是個(gè)不可靠的敘述者。但如果，比方說，在飛機(jī)上，有人問我是做啥的，我通常說我是個(gè)編輯。我這樣說的部分原因是如果我說自己是個(gè)心理咨詢師，我總會(huì)得到一些尷尬的回應(yīng)，比如，“噢，一個(gè)咨詢師。你要對我進(jìn)行心理分析嗎？”我會(huì)想：”首先，不會(huì)，其次，我為什么要在這里做心里分析？如果我說我是婦科醫(yī)生，你還會(huì)問我是不是要給你做盆腔檢查嗎？”

04:28

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

04:31

But the main reason I say I'm an editor isbecause it's true. Now, it's the job of all therapists to help people edit, butwhat's interesting about my specific role as Dear Therapist is that when Iedit, I'm not just editing for one person. I'm trying to teach a whole group ofreaders how to edit, using one letter each week as the example. So I'm thinkingabout things like, "What material is extraneous?" "Is theprotagonist moving forward or going in circles, are the supporting charactersimportant or are they a distraction?" "Do the plot points reveal atheme?" And what I've noticed is that most people's stories tend to circlearound two key themes.

但我說我是個(gè)編輯的主要原因是因?yàn)檫@是真的。所有咨詢師的工作是幫助人們編輯，但我作為《親愛的咨詢師》這一特殊角色的有趣之處是 當(dāng)我編輯時(shí)，我不僅為一個(gè)人編輯，而是在嘗試教一群讀者如何編輯。通過每周使用一封信作為案例。所以我會(huì)思考這些東西，例如“什么資料是無關(guān)緊要的？”“主角是在前進(jìn)，還是在原地打轉(zhuǎn)？““配角是重要的，還是會(huì)分散注意？”“這個(gè)情節(jié)是否揭露了一個(gè)主題？”而且我注意到的是大部分人的故事 都是圍繞兩個(gè)關(guān)鍵的主題：

05:06

The first is freedom, and the second ischange. And when I edit, those are the themes that I start with. So, let's takea look at freedom for a second. Our stories about freedom go like this: webelieve, in general, that we have an enormous amount of freedom. Except when itcomes to the problem at hand, in which case, suddenly, we feel like we havenone. Many of our stories are about feeling trapped, right? We feel imprisoned byour families, our jobs, our relationships, our pasts. Sometimes, we evenimprison ourselves with a narrative of self-flagellation -- I know you guys allknow these stories. The "everyone's life is better than mine" story,courtesy of social media. The "I'm an impostor" story, the "I'munlovable" story, the "nothing will ever work out for me" story.The "when I say, 'Hey, Siri, ' and she doesn't answer, that means shehates me" story. I see you, see, I'm not the only one. The woman who wroteme that letter, she also feels trapped. If she stays with her husband, she'llnever trust him again, but if she leaves, her children will suffer.

第一個(gè)是自由，第二個(gè)是改變。當(dāng)我編輯時(shí)，這些是我開始的主題。那么，讓我們看下“自由”。我們關(guān)于自由的故事往往是這樣開始的：我相信，總的來說，我們擁有很多自由。除了在面臨手頭問題的時(shí)候，這種情況下，突然之間，我們感到?jīng)]有自由。我們很多故事都是關(guān)于被困住的感覺，對吧？我們感到被 我們的家庭，我們的工作，我們的關(guān)系，我們的過去 所囚禁。有時(shí)，我們甚至把自己禁錮 在自我鞭笞的敘述中—— 你們都知道這些故事。那個(gè)“每個(gè)人的生活 都比我的好”的故事，這得歸功于社交媒體。“我是冒充者”的故事，“我不夠討人喜歡”的故事，“我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)成功”的故事。那個(gè)“當(dāng)我說，‘嗨，Siri’，她沒有答復(fù)，意味著她討厭我”的故事。我知道你們，看，我不是唯一的一個(gè)。那個(gè)給我寫郵件的女人，她也感到被困住了。如果她與丈夫待在一起，她將永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)再相信他，但如果她離開，她的孩子會(huì)遭受痛苦。

06:07

Now, there's a cartoon that I think is aperfect example of what's really going on in these stories. The cartoon shows aprisoner shaking the bars, desperately trying to get out. But on the right andthe left, it's open. No bars. The prisoner isn't in jail. That's most of us. Wefeel completely trapped, stuck in our emotional jail cells. But we don't walkaround the bars to freedom because we know there's a catch. Freedom comes withresponsibility. And if we take responsibility for our role in the story, wemight just have to change.

有個(gè)漫畫我認(rèn)為真實(shí)呈現(xiàn)了這些故事中真正發(fā)生的情況。這個(gè)漫畫展現(xiàn)了一個(gè)不斷在搖動(dòng)鐵欄的囚犯，拼命地想出去。但監(jiān)獄的左右兩邊，是開放的，沒有鐵欄。這個(gè)囚犯不在牢籠里。那就是我們大多數(shù)人。我們感到完全被困住，困在情感的牢籠中。但我們不會(huì)繞著鐵欄走走來尋找自由，因?yàn)槲覀冎肋@里有陷阱。自由伴隨著責(zé)任。如果我們要擔(dān)負(fù)起自己在故事中的角色的責(zé)任，我們可能必須得改變。

06:41

And that's the other common theme that Isee in our stories: change. Those stories sound like this: a person says,"I want to change." But what they really mean is, "I wantanother character in the story to change." Therapists describe thisdilemma as: "If the queen had balls, she'd be the king." I mean --

那就是另一個(gè)在故事中常見的主題“改變”。這些故事往往聽起倆是這樣的：一個(gè)人說，“我想要改變?！钡麄冋嬲囊馑际?，“我想要故事中的另一個(gè)角色做出改變。” 咨詢師把這種窘境描述為： “如果皇后有種，她就是國王?！?我意思是——

06:59

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

07:00

It makes no sense, right? Why wouldn't wewant the protagonist, who's the hero of the story, to change? Well, it might bebecause change, even really positive change, involves a surprising amount ofloss. Loss of the familiar. Even if the familiar is unpleasant or utterlymiserable, at least we know the characters and setting and plot, right down tothe recurring dialogue in this story. "You never do the laundry!""I did it last time!" "Oh, yeah? When?" There's somethingoddly comforting about knowing exactly how the story is going to go everysingle time.

這不就是廢話嘛，對吧？我們?yōu)槭裁床幌胱屩鹘枪适轮械挠⑿?，去改變？這可能是因?yàn)?改變，即便是一個(gè)非常積極的改變，涉及無法想象的損失。失去熟悉感。即便熟悉是不愉快或絕對悲慘的，至少我們知道故事的角色、背景和情節(jié)，甚至是故事中反復(fù)出現(xiàn)的對話?！澳銖膩聿幌匆路?！”“我上次洗了！”“哦，是嗎？什么時(shí)候？”明確地知道故事 每次將如何發(fā)展，有一種奇怪的安慰感。

07:34

To write a new chapter is to venture intothe unknown. It's to stare at a blank page. And as any writer will tell you,there's nothing more terrifying than a blank page. But here's the thing. Oncewe edit our story, the next chapter becomes much easier to write. We talk somuch in our culture about getting to know ourselves. But part of getting toknow yourself is to unknow yourself. To let go of the one version of the storyyou've been telling yourself so that you can live your life, and not the storythat you've been telling yourself about your life. And that's how we walkaround those bars.

譜寫新的篇章需要勇敢地探索未知。是要盯著空白頁。正如任何作家會(huì)告訴你的，沒有什么比空白頁更可怕的了。但這是問題所在。一旦我們開始編輯我們的故事，書寫下一章節(jié)就會(huì)變得容易多了。在我們文化中，我們探討了太多“要了解自己”。但了解自己的一部分是“生疏自己”。放下你一直告訴自己的一個(gè)故事版本，這樣你才能夠去過你的生活，而不是過你告訴自己的故事里的生活。這就是我們跨越鐵欄的方式。

08:11

So I want to go back to the letter from thewoman, about the affair. She asked me what she should do. Now, I have this wordtaped up in my office: ultracrepidarianism. The habit of giving advice oropinions outside of one's knowledge or competence. It's a great word, right?You can use it in all different contexts, I'm sure you will be using it afterthis TED Talk. I use it because it reminds me that as a therapist, I can helppeople to sort out what they want to do, but I can't make their life choicesfor them. Only you can write your story, and all you need are some tools.

于是我想要回到那個(gè)女士關(guān)于外遇的郵件，她問我她應(yīng)該怎么做。我把這個(gè)短句貼在了我的辦公室：沒有知識(shí)的意見是危險(xiǎn)的（ultracrepidarianism）。在自己知識(shí)或能力范圍之外提供建議或意見的習(xí)慣。這是個(gè)很棒的詞，對吧？你可以在所有不同的語境中使用它，我確定你會(huì)在這個(gè) TED 演講后使用它。我用它是因?yàn)樗嵝盐易鳛橹委煄?，我可以幫助人們理清他們想要做的事情，但我不能為他們的人生做決定。只有你，才能書寫你的故事。然而你所需要的是一些工具。

08:44

So what I want to do is I want to edit thiswoman's letter together, right here, as a way to show how we can all revise ourstories. And I want to start by asking you to think of a story that you'retelling yourself right now that might not be serving you well. It might beabout a circumstance you're experiencing, it might be about a person in yourlife, it might even be about yourself. And I want you to look at the supportingcharacters. Who are the people who are helping you to uphold the wrong versionof this story?

所以我想要做的是在這里 一起編輯這位女士的來信，來展示我們能夠 如何修正我們的故事。我想從讓你們想一個(gè) 你們告訴自己的，但卻對自己毫無益處的故事開始。它可能有關(guān)你所處的周遭環(huán)境，可以是你生活中關(guān)于某個(gè)人的，甚至可以是關(guān)于你自己的。并且我想讓你們看看配角。是誰在幫助你支撐著這個(gè)錯(cuò)誤版本的故事？

09:16

For instance, if the woman who wrote methat letter told her friends what happened, they would probably offer herwhat's called "idiot compassion." Now, in idiot compassion, we goalong with the story, we say, "You're right, that's so unfair," whena friend tells us that he didn't get the promotion he wanted, even though weknow this has happened several times before because he doesn't really put inthe effort, and he probably also steals office supplies.

比如，倘若那個(gè)給我寫信的女士告訴她朋友發(fā)生了什么，她們可能會(huì)給她提供所謂的“白癡同情”建議?，F(xiàn)在，帶著愚蠢的同情心，我們跟著故事走，我們說，“你說的對，這不公平，”當(dāng)一個(gè)朋友告訴我們他沒有得到他想要的升職，即便我們知道這已發(fā)生過多次，因?yàn)樗]有真正在努力工作，并且他可能還偷辦公用品。

09:38

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

09:39

We say, "Yeah, you're right, he's ajerk," when a friend tells us that her boyfriend broke up with her, eventhough we know that there are certain ways she tends to behave inrelationships, like the incessant texting or the going through his drawers,that tend to lead to this outcome. We see the problem, it's like, if a fightbreaks out in every bar you're going to, it might be you.

我們說，“是的，你說的對，他是個(gè)混蛋，”當(dāng)一個(gè)朋友告訴我們她男朋友和她分手了，盡管我們知道她在戀情中的一些行為，比如不停地發(fā)短信或者翻他的抽屜，容易導(dǎo)致這種結(jié)果。我們能看到問題，這有點(diǎn)像，如果你去的每個(gè)酒吧都有打架場面發(fā)生的話，那可能是你的問題。

09:58

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

10:00

In order to be good editors, we need tooffer wise compassion, not just to our friends, but to ourselves. This iswhat's called -- I think the technical term might be -- "deliveringcompassionate truth bombs." And these truth bombs are compassionate, becausethey help us to see what we've left out of the story.

要成為好的編輯，我們需要提供明智的同情，不僅對我們的朋友，而且對我們自己。這就是所謂的——專業(yè)名詞為—— “傳遞同情的真相炸彈”。這些真相炸彈是具有同情的，因?yàn)樗鼈儙椭覀兛匆娢覀冊诠适轮羞z漏的東西。

10:17

The truth is, we don't know if this woman'shusband is having an affair, or why their sex life changed two years ago, orwhat those late-night phone calls are really about. And it might be thatbecause of her history, she's writing a singular story of betrayal, but there'sprobably something else that she's not willing to let me, in her letter, ormaybe even herself, to see. It's like that guy who's taking a Rorschach test.You all know what Rorschach tests are? A psychologist shows you some ink blots,they look like that, and asks, "What do you see?" So the guy looks athis ink blot and he says, "Well, I definitely don't see blood." Andthe examiner says, "Alright, tell me what else you definitely don'tsee." In writing, this is called point of view. What is the narrator notwilling to see?

真相是，我們不知道這位女士的丈夫是否出軌，或者為什么他們的性生活在兩年前發(fā)生了改變，或者這些深夜電話真正是因?yàn)槭裁?。這還可能是由于她的過去，她在寫僅僅關(guān)于背叛的故事，但可能也有其他事情，她在郵件中不想讓我或者甚至她自己，看見的。就像在做羅夏克墨漬測驗(yàn)的人。你們都知道羅夏克墨漬測驗(yàn)是什么吧？一個(gè)心理學(xué)家給你看一些墨跡，比如這樣的，之后問你，“你看見了什么？”于是這個(gè)人看著他的墨跡說，“好吧，我確定沒有看見血?！庇谑菣z測人員說，“好的，告訴我你絕對沒看見什么其他東西?！痹趯懽髦校@被稱為視角。敘述者不愿意看見什么？

11:08

So, I want to read you one more letter. Andit goes like this.

所以，我想要給你們再讀一封信。它是這樣的。

11:16

"Dear Therapist, I need help with mywife. Lately, everything I do irritates her, even small things, like the noiseI make when I chew. At breakfast, I noticed that she even tries to secretly putextra milk in my granola so it won't be as crunchy."

“親愛的咨詢師，我跟我妻子需要幫助。最近，我做的每件事都讓她生氣，即便很小的事情，比如我咀嚼的聲音。早餐時(shí)，我注意到她甚至偷偷地往我的麥片里加牛奶，所以它不會(huì)那么脆。”

11:33

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

11:34

"I feel like she became critical of meafter my father died two years ago. I was very close with him, and her fatherleft when she was young, so she couldn't relate to what I was going through.There's a friend at work whose father died a few months ago, and whounderstands my grief. I wish I could talk to my wife like I talk to my friend,but I feel like she barely tolerates me now. How can I get my wife back?"

“兩年前在我父親去世后，我感到她對我來說變得越加重要了。我曾跟父親非常親近，她父親在她很小時(shí)就離開了她，所以她無法理解我所經(jīng)歷的一切。我的一個(gè)同事朋友，她父親在幾個(gè)月前也去世了，她能理解我的悲傷。我真希望我可以像跟我朋友一樣和我妻子談?wù)?，但我感覺她現(xiàn)在很難忍受我。我應(yīng)該怎樣才能把妻子找回來呢？”

11:57

OK. So, what you probably picked up on isthat this is the same story I read you earlier, just told from anothernarrator's point of view. Her story was about a husband who's cheating, hisstory is about a wife who can't understand his grief. But what's remarkable, isthat for all of their differences, what both of these stories are about is alonging for connection. And if we can get out of the first-person narration andwrite the story from another character's perspective, suddenly that othercharacter becomes much more sympathetic, and the plot opens up. That's thehardest step in the editing process, but it's also where change begins.

好了。所以你們可能注意到了這是我早先給你們讀的同個(gè)故事，只是從另一個(gè)敘述者的視角來講的。她的故事是一個(gè)出軌的丈夫，他的故事是一個(gè)無法理解他傷痛的妻子。盡管他們的故事有些差別，但明顯的是，這兩個(gè)故事都是關(guān)于對相處連接的渴望。如果我們能跳出第一人稱的視角，從另一個(gè)角色的視角去書寫故事，突然之間，另一個(gè)角色就變得更讓人同情了，故事情節(jié)也就此展開。這是在編輯環(huán)節(jié)最困難的一步，但這也是改變發(fā)生的地方。

12:36

What would happen if you looked at yourstory and wrote it from another person's point of view? What would you see nowfrom this wider perspective? That's why, when I see people who are depressed, Isometimes say, "You are not the best person to talk to you about you rightnow," because depression distorts our stories in a very particular way. Itnarrows our perspectives. The same is true when we feel lonely or hurt orrejected. We create all kinds of stories, distorted through a very narrow lensthat we don't even know we're looking through. And then, we've effectivelybecome our own fake-news broadcasters.

如果你看著你的故事并從另一個(gè)人的視角來寫同樣的故事，會(huì)怎樣？從這更廣闊的視角中你現(xiàn)在會(huì)看到什么？這也是為什么，當(dāng)我看到人們沮喪時(shí)，我有時(shí)候說：“你不是此刻跟你談話的最好人選”。因?yàn)橐钟魰?huì)以一種特定的方式扭曲我們的故事。它縮小了我們的視角。當(dāng)我們感到孤獨(dú)、被傷害，或被拒絕時(shí)，也是一樣。我們制造的各種故事，被一個(gè)我們甚至不知道其存在的非常小的鏡頭扭曲。然后，我們就變成了自己生活的假新聞主播。

13:13

I have a confession to make. I wrote thehusband's version of the letter I read you. You have no idea how much time Ispent debating between granola and pita chips, by the way. I wrote it based onall of the alternative narratives that I've seen over the years, not just in mytherapy practice, but also in my column. When it's happened that two peopleinvolved in the same situation have written to me, unbeknownst to the other,and I have two versions of the same story sitting in my inbox. That really hashappened. I don't know what the other version of this woman's letter is, but Ido know this: she has to write it. Because with a courageous edit, she'll writea much more nuanced version of her letter that she wrote to me. Even if herhusband is having an affair of any kind -- and maybe he is -- she doesn't needto know what the plot is yet. Because just by virtue of doing an edit, she'llhave so many more possibilities for what the plot can become.

我得坦白。我剛讀給你們的丈夫版本，是我寫的。順便，你們不知道我花了多長時(shí)間 在麥片和皮塔餅之間掙扎選擇。我寫這個(gè)是 基于我過去這些年所看到的 所有敘事故事的“替代版本”。不僅在咨詢師的工作中，而且也在我的專欄中，當(dāng)陷入同一情況中的雙方在不知情的情況下，同時(shí)給我寫信我會(huì)有同個(gè)故事的兩個(gè)不同版本在我的信箱中。那真的發(fā)生過。我不知道這個(gè)女士的故事另一個(gè)版本是怎樣的，但我知道的是：她得寫出來。因?yàn)橐粋€(gè)勇敢的編輯，她會(huì)給我寫一封更細(xì)致入微的信。即便她的丈夫有任何外遇——也許他確實(shí)如此——她不需要知道情節(jié)是什么。因?yàn)閮H僅通過編輯，她會(huì)擁有很多可能展開的情節(jié)。

14:11

Now, sometimes it happens that I see peoplewho are really stuck, and they're really invested in their stuckness. We callthem help-rejecting complainers. I'm sure you know people like this. They'rethe people who, when you try to offer them a suggestion, they reject it with,"Yeah, no, that will never work, because ..." "Yeah, no, that'simpossible, because I can't do that." "Yeah, I really want morefriends, but people are just so annoying."

有時(shí)，我看到人們真的被困住了，他們極其投入于自己的停滯不前。我們稱他們?yōu)椤熬芙^幫助的抱怨者”。你們肯定認(rèn)識(shí)這樣的人。他們是那些當(dāng)你試圖給他們建議時(shí)，他們這樣拒絕：“對的，不行，那不會(huì)有用，因?yàn)椤薄笆堑?，不行，那不可能因?yàn)槲也粫?huì)那樣做?！薄笆堑?，我真的想要交更多朋友，但人們實(shí)在太煩人了?！?/p>

14:38

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

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