人生不設(shè)限·正面改變的五個(gè)階段

CHANGE RESISTANT

每個(gè)人都知道世上本來(lái)就沒(méi)有永遠(yuǎn)不變的事物，但奇怪的是，當(dāng)被迫離開(kāi)舒適區(qū)時(shí)，我們又常常變得害怕、不安，有時(shí)甚至覺(jué)得憤怒、怨恨。人即使面臨惡劣的情況——充滿暴力的親密關(guān)系、走進(jìn)死胡同的工作、危險(xiǎn)的環(huán)境，還是常常不愿另辟蹊徑，因?yàn)樗麑幵该鎸?duì)已知，而不是未知。

Everyone knows nothing stays the same forever, but strangely, when outside events or other people force us out of our comfort zones, we often become fearful and insecure. Sometimes we grow angry and resentful. Even when people are in a bad situation—a violent relationship, a dead-end job, or a dangerous environment— they often refuse to take a new path because they would rather deal with the known than the unknown.

最近我認(rèn)識(shí)了喬治，他是個(gè)物理治療師兼體適能教練。我告訴他，我的背很不舒服，需要一些運(yùn)動(dòng)來(lái)強(qiáng)化背部，但我不想健身，因?yàn)槲颐τ诼眯泻徒?jīng)營(yíng)公司。喬治的回答很經(jīng)典：“如果你希望一輩子都要應(yīng)付背愈來(lái)愈痛的問(wèn)題，那就祝你好運(yùn)了。”

I recently met George, a physical therapist and fitness coach. I told him that I was having a problem with my back and that I needed some exercises to strengthen it but I couldn't get motivated to work out because I was so busy traveling and running my company. George's response was classic: "Hey, if you want to deal with that pain getting worse and worse for the rest of your life, good luck to you."

他嘲笑我!我真想用頭給他敲上一記。但我了解他其實(shí)是想激勵(lì)我，強(qiáng)迫我正視一個(gè)事實(shí)：如果我不愿調(diào)整自己的生活形態(tài)，就等著自作自受吧。

He mocked me! I felt like giving George a head butt. But then I realized he was motivating me, forcing me to deal with the fact that if I was not willing to adjust my lifestyle, I would pay the consequences.

他的意思是：“力克，如果你不想改變就不要改，不過(guò)，能讓你的背舒服一點(diǎn)的，只有你自己。”

He was saying, Nick, you don't have to change if you don't feel like it, but the only person who can help your back feel better is you.

我稱職地扮演了抗拒調(diào)整生活形態(tài)的壞榜樣。然而，我見(jiàn)過(guò)狀況更糟的人，明明可以讓人生變得更好，但他們就是不愿意。如果讓人生變好代表要進(jìn)入不熟悉的環(huán)境，他們常常會(huì)覺(jué)得恐懼，害怕放棄熟悉的處境，即使那個(gè)處境糟透了。另外，有很多人也真的不愿為自己的生命負(fù)起責(zé)任。美國(guó)總統(tǒng)奧巴馬曾經(jīng)強(qiáng)調(diào)個(gè)人責(zé)任的重要：“我們自己就是我們所等待的改變。”然而，即使可能溺斃其中，還是有人抗拒形勢(shì)。

I was a good example of a bad example with my resistance to a lifestyle adjustment. But people in far worse circumstances resist moves that would greatly improve their lives. Often they are afraid to give up even terrible situations if it means shifting into an unfamiliar situation. And many people refuse to accept responsibility for their own lives. President Barack Obama stressed the importance of personal responsibility when he said, "We are the change we have been waiting for." But some people fight the tide, even when it threatens to drown them.

某些人寧可撒手不管，也不想負(fù)起責(zé)任，因?yàn)樨?fù)責(zé)任這件事令人卻步。當(dāng)生命給了你一張爛牌，毀了你的牌局，打亂你的計(jì)劃，你大可以怨天怨地怨父母，或是責(zé)怪三年級(jí)時(shí)偷你三明治的那個(gè)小孩，但怨天尤人最終對(duì)你沒(méi)有任何好處。負(fù)起責(zé)任是掌控生命中的迂回、改變?nèi)松缆费赝緺顩r的唯一方法。我的經(jīng)驗(yàn)告訴我，要作出正面改變必須經(jīng)歷五個(gè)階段：

For some people, taking responsibility is a lot more daunting than taking a pass. When life deals you a card that ruins your hand and upsets your plans, you can blame the universe, your parents, and the kid who stole your sandwich in the third grade. But in the end, blaming does nothing for you. Taking responsibility is the only way to master the detours and shifting conditions along your life's path. My experiences have taught me that making a positive change has five necessary stages.

1.認(rèn)知到改變的需要

1. Recognizing the need to change

說(shuō)起來(lái)真可悲，我們往往后知后覺(jué)，很慢才會(huì)認(rèn)知到采取行動(dòng)的必要。即使感覺(jué)不對(duì)勁，我們還是安于例行公事，并且出于惰性或恐懼，選擇了“不做”，而不是“做”。通常一定要被嚇到了，我們才會(huì)承認(rèn)非求新、求變不可。企圖自殺對(duì)我而言就是這樣的時(shí)刻。我以勇者之姿撐了許多年，但其實(shí)陰郁的念頭一直在我心中徘徊不去，我總是在想，如果沒(méi)辦法改變身體，那我就結(jié)束自己的生命。當(dāng)我?guī)缀跻退涝谠「桌飼r(shí)，我才了解到，該是為自己的幸?？鞓?lè)負(fù)責(zé)的時(shí)候了。

Sadly, we are often slow to recognize the need to make a move. We settle into a routine, even if it isn't all that comfortable, and we choose inaction over action simply out of laziness or fear. Often it takes something really scary to make us recognize that we need a new plan. My attempted suicide was one such moment for me. I had been hanging on for years, putting on a brave face most of the time, but inside I was haunted by dark thoughts that if I could not change my body, I'd end my life. When I reached the point where I nearly let myself drown, I recognized it was time to take responsibility for my own happiness.

2.展望新氣象

2. Envisioning something new

我的朋友尼德最近有個(gè)傷心的任務(wù)，就是說(shuō)服他父母離開(kāi)已經(jīng)住了40年的家，搬進(jìn)老人安養(yǎng)中心。他父親的健康惡化，而照顧的重?fù)?dān)也危及他母親的生命。但他父母卻不想搬走，比較想待在自己家里，因?yàn)楦浇惺煜さ泥従印?ldquo;我們?cè)谶@里住得很快活，干嗎搬走?”他們說(shuō)道。

A friend of mine, Ned, recently had the sad task of convincing his parents to move out of their home of forty years and into a senior living center, a nursing home. His father's health was failing, and the burden of caring for him had endangered his mother's life too. His parents did not want to move. They preferred to stay in their home, surrounded by neighbors they knew. "We are happy here. Why would we leave?" they said.

單單說(shuō)服父母去看一下離他們家只有幾條街之遠(yuǎn)的安養(yǎng)中心，尼德就花了超過(guò)一年的工夫。他父母對(duì)于所謂的老家伙之家的印象，就是“冷而陰沉”，是“老人等死的地方”。不過(guò)，他們看到的這個(gè)安養(yǎng)中心卻是干凈、溫暖而充滿活力的，很多以前的老鄰居也已經(jīng)搬進(jìn)來(lái)，過(guò)著充實(shí)的生活。那兒還有醫(yī)務(wù)室，里面的醫(yī)生、護(hù)士與治療師可以接手一些照顧尼德父親的工作，這樣能為他母親減輕不少負(fù)擔(dān)。

Ned talked it over with his parents for more than a year before he convinced them to visit a very nice senior citizens community just a few blocks from their home. They'd formed an image of "old folks' homes" as cold and dreary places where "old people go to die." Instead, they found a clean, warm, and lively place where many of their former neighbors were living and enjoying active days. It had a medical clinic staffed with doctors and nurses and therapists who could take over some of the care for Ned's father that had weighed so heavily on his mother.

尼德的父母在看到未來(lái)住處的樣子之后，就同意搬進(jìn)去了。“沒(méi)想到這里這么好。”他們說(shuō)。

Once his parents had a vision of the new place, they agreed to move there. "We never thought it could be so nice," they said.

如果從目前所在之處移到你應(yīng)該去的地方，對(duì)你來(lái)說(shuō)有點(diǎn)困難，不妨先讓自己看清楚這次的移動(dòng)會(huì)把你帶往何處。意思就是，你可能必須去勘察某個(gè)地點(diǎn)、嘗試新的關(guān)系，或者秘密地跟隨你向往的職業(yè)中的某個(gè)人。一旦對(duì)新的處境熟悉一些之后，離開(kāi)老地方就比較容易了。

If you have difficulty moving from where you are to where you need to go, it may help to get a clear vision of where the move will take you. This may mean scouting out a location, trying new relationships, or shadowing someone in a career you might want to pursue. Once you are more familiar with the new place, it will be easier to leave the old one.

3.放開(kāi)舊的

3. Letting go of the old

對(duì)許多人來(lái)說(shuō)，這個(gè)階段很難。想象你正在攀巖，爬到一半，距離谷底有幾百尺高，而你剛來(lái)到一個(gè)小小的巖壁平臺(tái)。這個(gè)景象很嚇人，你知道只要一陣強(qiáng)風(fēng)吹來(lái)，或是小小的風(fēng)暴靠近，你就危險(xiǎn)了，但在這個(gè)平臺(tái)上，你至少可以有些許安全感。

This is a tough stage for many people. Imagine you are climbing a rock wall in the mountains. You are halfway up the wall, hundreds of feet above the valley floor. You have just come to a small ledge. It's scary, and you know you would be vulnerable if the wind picked up or a storm moved in, but on that ledge you have at least some sense of security.

問(wèn)題是，無(wú)論要繼續(xù)往上爬或回頭向下走，你都必須放棄這個(gè)平臺(tái)給你的安全感，繼續(xù)前往下一個(gè)支撐點(diǎn)。不管這個(gè)安全感有多微弱，要放下它都很困難——攀巖或走上新的人生道路都是如此。你必須放開(kāi)舊的，抓住新的。很多人在這個(gè)階段就僵住了，或者盡管展開(kāi)行動(dòng)，卻又因?yàn)楹ε露丝s。如果你發(fā)現(xiàn)你處于這種狀況，請(qǐng)想象自己正在爬梯子：你得放開(kāi)現(xiàn)在抓著的這一階，伸出手，才能前進(jìn)到下一階。放手、伸手，然后讓自己攀高，一次一階。

The problem is that to keep moving up, or even to head back down, you have to abandon the security of that ledge and reach for another hold. Letting go of that sense of security, however tenuous, is the challenge, whether you are rock climbing or taking a new path in life. You have to release your hold on the old and grab on to the new. Many people freeze at this stage, or they start to make the move but then get scared and chicken out. If you find yourself in this situation, think of yourself as climbing a ladder. To move to the next rung, you must give up your grip and reach for the next one. Release, reach, and raise yourself up, one rung at a time!

4.穩(wěn)定下來(lái)

4. Getting settled

這又是另一個(gè)很微妙的階段。人們或許已經(jīng)放掉舊的，前進(jìn)到新的階段，但除非獲得某種程度的安全感，否則他們偶爾還是會(huì)想回頭。這個(gè)階段的心理獨(dú)白是：“好了，我已經(jīng)到這里了，然后呢?”

This can be another tricky stage for people. They may have let go of the old and moved up to the new, but until they attain a certain comfort level, they can still be tempted to go running back. It's the Okay, I'm here, now what? stage.

讓自己穩(wěn)定下來(lái)的關(guān)鍵是要非常留意腦袋里的想法。你必須摒除恐慌模式的念頭：“噢，糟了，我到底在干什么?”快轉(zhuǎn)到“哇，這真是很棒的探險(xiǎn)”。

The key to settling in is to be very careful about the thoughts that play out in your head. You have to screen out panic-mode thoughts like Oh my gosh, what did I do? and focus forward along the lines of This is a great adventure!

小時(shí)候剛搬到美國(guó)的前幾個(gè)月，我在“接納”這個(gè)階段苦苦掙扎。許多個(gè)白天和夜晚，我在床上輾轉(zhuǎn)反側(cè)，為新環(huán)境的種種苦惱不已。因?yàn)楹ε卤慌懦?、被嘲笑，我總是躲著其他同學(xué)。但是漸漸地，我開(kāi)始覺(jué)得新家也有不錯(cuò)的地方。例如我在這里也有堂兄弟姊妹，我跟他們雖然不像跟澳大利亞的親戚那么熟，但后來(lái)我發(fā)現(xiàn)，美國(guó)的堂兄弟姊妹也是大好人。而且這里有海灘、有山、有沙漠，都在很近的地方。

In my first few months in the United States as a boy, I struggled with the acceptance stage mightily. I spent many days and nights twitching uncomfortably in my bed, fretting about my new environment. I hid out from other students, fearing rejection and mockery. But slowly, gradually, I came to enjoy certain aspects of my new home. For one thing, I had cousins here too; I just hadn't known them as well as my cousins back in Australia. My American cousins turned out to be great people. Then there were the beach and the mountains and the desert, all within easy reach.

就在我開(kāi)始覺(jué)得美國(guó)加州也不賴的時(shí)候，父母決定搬回澳大利亞;等我完成大學(xué)學(xué)業(yè)之后，我便回到加州?，F(xiàn)在這里已經(jīng)如同我的家了!

Then, just as I began to think maybe California USA wasn't so bad, my parents decided to return to Australia. When I got older and finished college, I moved right back to California. Now, it feels like home to me!

5.繼續(xù)成長(zhǎng)

5. Keep growing

這是成功轉(zhuǎn)變最棒的階段。你已經(jīng)躍出一步，現(xiàn)在該在新環(huán)境里成長(zhǎng)了。事實(shí)上，如果想要繼續(xù)成長(zhǎng)，就不可能沒(méi)有改變。盡管這個(gè)過(guò)程可能充滿壓力，甚至造成身心極大的痛苦，但隨之而來(lái)的成長(zhǎng)會(huì)讓人覺(jué)得承受這些苦楚很值得。

This is the best stage of making a successful transition. You've made the leap, and now it's time to grow in the new environment. The fact is that you really can't keep growing without change. Although the process can be stressful and even downright painful emotionally and even physically, the growth is usually worth it.

我在企業(yè)經(jīng)營(yíng)上就體會(huì)到了這一點(diǎn)。幾年前，我必須重組公司，也就是說(shuō)，我得解雇一些人。對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)，解雇人是件很恐怖的事，我非常痛恨這么做。我很愛(ài)照顧別人，非常不喜歡把壞消息告訴我關(guān)心的人。辭退員工到現(xiàn)在都還是我的噩夢(mèng)，因?yàn)槲野堰@些人視為朋友。然而回過(guò)頭看，如果當(dāng)時(shí)沒(méi)有作那樣的改變，我的公司無(wú)法成長(zhǎng)。我不能說(shuō)我很高興解雇了那些員工，我還是很想念他們，但是作了那樣的決定之后，我們的確有所收獲。

I've seen that in my business. A few years ago I had to restructure my company. That meant letting some people go. I am horrible at firing people. I absolutely hate it. I'm a nurturing kind of guy, not a bloke who likes to bring the bad news down on those I care about. I still have nightmares about firing staff members whom I'd come to know and love as friends. But looking back, my company never would have been able to grow if I hadn't made that change. We've reaped the rewards. I can't say that I'm glad to have let go those former employees; I miss them still.

成長(zhǎng)的痛苦是一個(gè)征兆，表示你正在伸展自己，前往全新的境界。你不必享受那樣的痛苦，但是你要知道，在更美好的日子來(lái)臨之前，你必須有所突破，而痛苦在所難免。

Growing pains are a sign that you are stretching and reaching for new heights. You don't have to enjoy them, but know that they always come before a breakthrough that leads to better days.